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Janson T.

Read online Nordic Dads by Roman Loshmanov – Litres

Sponsored by the Nordic Council of Ministers

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

© Mann, Ivanov & Ferber LLC, 2019

* * *

Thanks to all the characters in this book for their frank and honest stories

Editorial

In this book we have collected 14 true stories of men from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Denmark, Iceland, the Faroe Islands and Russia. Among our heroes there is a policeman, a director of a railway company, a musician, a civil engineer. Someone was barely thirty, and someone may soon have grandchildren.

But if these people got together, they would have something to talk about, because they are all dads. And such dads, who from the very birth of children take care of them, fully participate in their upbringing — in a word, they grow up on a par with mothers and consider it absolutely normal.

“Now I understand how important it is for a father to be close to the child from the first day, then a special emotional connection is established,” says Runolfur from Iceland. “I didn’t see how my daughter grew up at all,” says Sergey from Russia, “what are her hobbies, what does she do. I missed it all, was completely immersed in the work. That’s why when we had our second child, I decided to go on maternity leave.» “My main reward is to be the person my son calls when he feels bad,” says Markus from Finland.

All the characters in the book talk about very similar things: about how they felt when they held their baby for the first time, about how having children changed their lives, about the difficulties and joys of parenthood. This is an honest talk about what it’s like to be a father, or rather, how to raise a loving, supportive adult in ourselves, because with the advent of children we do not automatically become this way. And probably more so for fathers than for mothers. A woman usually has an emotional connection with a child during pregnancy. A man, on the other hand, can “turn on” a parent in himself only consciously, through active love. The mechanism of emotional involvement is triggered by the most simple things at first glance: feeding, putting to bed, walking — in a word, all those routine things without which it is impossible to imagine life with a child. Here’s what 9 says about it0201 E cc from Sweden: “Being a good father is not taking your kids to the movies on Sundays a couple of times a month, but arguing with them about not doing their homework.”

Two authors, Alexander Feldberg and Roman Loshmanov, both journalists and dads, visited the heroes of the book at home and wrote their stories. These are two different points of view and two different voices. Alexander Feldberg is the author of the chapters «Sweden», «Finland», «Iceland», «Russia» (Moscow). Roman Loshmanov — heads of «Norway», «Denmark», «Faroe Islands», «Russia» (St. Petersburg).

Each chapter is supplemented with expert comments: sociologists, historians, doctors, psychologists, who spoke about various aspects of modern active fatherhood. This is a generalized view of the situation, helping to better understand its essence.

This book is not a practical guide for parents written by psychologists or educators. However, it can be useful for both moms and dads. Fathers from different countries share their experiences, talk about how to be a truly close person for their child, how to maintain a balance between family and work, how to help a partner and distribute household responsibilities, how to raise children from previous relationships and resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters. And, of course, that in all these everyday worries there is a lot of not only work, but also joy.

Foreword

A common picture in any northern European country is a man walking down the street with a pram. Over the past 40-50 years, that is, in two generations, active fatherhood has changed the social landscape of Northern Europe and is now gaining popularity in other countries of the world, including Russia. Our book is dedicated to this phenomenon: in Northern European countries, it has become the norm that fathers take care of children from their very birth on an equal basis with mothers. This happened due to a whole range of changes in society. The formation of active fatherhood was influenced by various factors: the situation on the labor market, the creation of a developed social security system, the acceptance by society of the idea of ​​gender equality.

Gender equality is considered one of the core values ​​in Northern Europe. The spread of the idea of ​​equal rights and opportunities for men and women led to the fact that starting from the 1960s, the model of the Northern European family began to change. Previously, fathers were the breadwinners and earned money, and mothers took care of the house and raising children. Now almost all women in the Nordic countries work, have the opportunity to build a successful career in various fields and are not financially dependent on their partners. Accordingly, now not only they are engaged in children and housework, but also men who consider such a balance to be fair.

At the same time, the labor market valued and appreciates male labor more than female labor, among other things, because after the birth of a child, a woman most often leaves the profession for a long time. To alleviate this for both employers and mothers, the Nordic countries have developed and implemented a well-functioning social security system over several decades. It includes allowances and parental leave and the opportunity to send the child to kindergarten from a year old, or even earlier. This allows the mother to return to work without losing her job or salary.

Perhaps the main factor in the popularity of active fatherhood was the desire and readiness of men themselves to take care of children from their earliest age. And of course, the spread of the idea of ​​involved fatherhood in Northern Europe is directly related to the introduction of parental leave for fathers: more than 80% of men take it in one form or another (with the exception of the Faroe Islands, an autonomous territory within the Kingdom of Denmark, but they are a special happening).

There are three types of parental leave in Northern Europe. Maternal is provided for a few weeks before and after childbirth. The second variety is a short vacation that is given to fathers immediately after the birth of a child. Finally, parental leave is the longest. Both parents are entitled to such leave, and there is a period in it that they can share between themselves. In some countries, the so-called paternity quota is allocated on parental leave — weeks that only the father can take, they cannot be transferred to the mother. If he does not use the quota, weeks are wasted (which should motivate — and motivates — men to use this opportunity). Every year, the father’s share in the total duration of parental leave is growing. In 2018, it was 11% in Finland and Denmark, 19% in Norway, 29% each in Iceland ^[1] and Sweden ^[2] .

In the book we talk about different types of parental leave taken by fathers, but for convenience we introduce a single concept of “paternity leave”. We also refer to it as parental leave, sometimes simply leave if the context permits, as well as maternity leave and maternity leave. The latter is not entirely legitimate in relation to the countries of Northern Europe, since such names are accepted only in Russia (from Decree 1917 years, which were introduced in the country leave and maternity benefits). But we use these designations because they are more familiar to the Russian reader.

In each Nordic country, the duration of paternity leave is different, and the history of its origin is also different. The introduction of such leave is directly related to the concept of gender equality. So, in Norway, he appeared when the first “female” government was formed in the country: eight ministers, including the prime minister, were women. The Nordic countries, each in their own way, motivated fathers to take parental leave. In Sweden, for example, the state ran special advertising campaigns featuring celebrities who demonstrated the benefits of active fatherhood. But in most countries, the most effective measure was the introduction of those same father quotas.

Sweden was the first country in the world to introduce parental leave that can be taken by both parents. It happened in 1974. And in 1995, following Norway, she introduced a special paternal quota — 30 days. Subsequently, the quota was increased to 60 days (2002), and then to 90 days (2016). The maternity quota is exactly the same: in Sweden, when distributing time on parental leave, gender neutrality is important. The rest of the period of 300 days, parents can divide among themselves.

In Norway men were able to take parental leave in 1978. In 1993, the country was the first in the world to introduce a paternal quota, that is, time assigned exclusively to fathers. Initially, the quota was four weeks, but by 2013 it had increased to 14 weeks. In the same 2013, after the victory of the Conservative Party in the elections, the quota was reduced to ten weeks. This quickly caused fathers to spend less time on maternity leave, and in 2018 the same conservative government not only returned the previous length of the father’s quota, but also increased it to 15 weeks.

In 1981, Iceland became the third Nordic country to give fathers the right to part of parental leave. And in 2001, this country introduced the most progressive parental leave in the world at that time. It was divided into three equal parts: one of them was given to the mother, the second to the father, and the third parents could divide among themselves. The total duration is nine months; thus, men are assigned a three-month vacation.

In Finland short paternity leave was introduced in 1978. Now its duration has increased to 54 working days, which are assigned to the father: they cannot be transferred to the mother. Until the child is two years old, the father can use this leave at his own discretion: take all the days at once or divide them into several parts. But at the same time with the mother, the father can only be on vacation for 18 days. This restriction was introduced in order to further motivate men to take care of children. On parental leave, there is also a period of a little over two months, which mother and father can share between themselves. At the same time, one of the parents can remain on unpaid parental leave until he is three years old, without losing his job.

In Denmark two weeks of paternity leave immediately following the birth of a child was introduced in 1984; it is still preserved. But it is the only country in Northern Europe that first introduced (1997) and then abolished (2002) a special paternity leave quota because the new Conservative government considered it an invasion of privacy. However, simultaneously with the abolition of the father’s quota, the period of parental leave, which the father and mother can share between themselves, was increased to 32 weeks. In this sense, the Danish approach is close to the Swedish and Icelandic: it is gender neutral.

The Faroe Islands stand apart – literally and figuratively. In this small remote archipelago in the Atlantic Ocean, the traditional family pattern is still more common. The reason is simple: the work of most Faroese men was related to the sea. They were absent from home for a long time, and women took care of the household and children. This state of affairs persists to a large extent today. Paternity leave is only four weeks on the islands. And although the family is allocated 28 weeks, which parents can distribute among themselves, usually this time goes to mothers. Nevertheless, in the Faroes, active fatherhood is becoming more common.

In Russia involved fatherhood is also gaining popularity, which is why we included the stories of two Russian popes in the book. You can see for yourself how much they have in common with fathers from Northern Europe: the motivation to become active parents, similar problems and joys.

After the two revolutions of 1917, Russian legislation became perhaps the most progressive in the world in terms of gender equality. Women received the same rights as men in various fields — from educational to professional. At the same time, maternity leave and childbirth allowance were introduced. Later, parental leave appeared, and now it is one of the longest in the world: you can stay at home without losing your job until the child is three years old. Leave is taken mainly by mothers, although, according to the law, the father can also take it (the procedure for issuing documents is the same for both parents). This is largely due to the fact that families do not want to lose the income of a man, since it is often higher than that of a woman. Formally, Russian legislation also provides for the possibility of dividing parental leave between parents, for this it is necessary to reissue it from one parent to another. At the same time, special quotas for father and mother are not prescribed, since this is not considered an urgent problem. In addition, the traditional family model prevails in our country, and Russian parents are not always well informed. But the situation can be different if both fathers and mothers want it.

Research ^[3] , conducted in various countries, proves that involved parenting makes fathers happier and positively affects their physical health and well-being. A child who is raised from a very early age by both mom and dad learns better, adapts to society faster and feels more secure. When mothers have the opportunity to share the care of their children with their partners, they are less likely to suffer from postpartum depression. In addition, with the birth of a child, they do not drop out of the profession, and as a result, the gap between male and female salaries is narrowing. The stories of the characters in this book are further evidence that active fatherhood makes a difference in the lives of men, women, and their children.

Sweden

Essay. Bonus Kids

“Did you watch Bonus Family? No? Be sure to check it out, it definitely has English subtitles. This is a Swedish series, and it’s about us. About a life similar to ours, with a bunch of “ex” and a lot of parents,” says Tyra, and her husband Esse nods: “Yes, a life movie, and also very funny. There is a huge family there, and new faces are constantly appearing in it. And every time, at the next children’s birthday, everyone is like: “Who are you?” «I’m… the brother of the birthday boy’s stepmother’s ex-husband’s new girlfriend!» Sounds crazy, but it happens in real life too.

A bonus family is a family with bonus children: this is how the spouse’s children from his or her previous marriages are called in Sweden. The 33-year-old programmer Esse and his wife Tira have three of them: six-year-old Odd, the son of Esse and his ex-girlfriend, plus Clara (she is eight) and 11-year-old Frank — Tyra’s children from their first marriage. They also have a seven-month-old daughter, Shi, who sleeps soundly as we chat with her parents at the large white table in the living room of their north Stockholm home.

We divide everything in half

Essay, who is currently on parental leave, tells how their life is arranged:

– Tyra and I split the week in half. I work Monday, Tuesday and half Wednesday, and my wife the rest of Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And you know, it’s much more convenient than when you sit at home all the time. I spent almost a year on maternity leave with my eldest son, and when I went to work, in the first days I constantly caught myself thinking: “God, I can just go to the toilet, and no one will cry, yell and bang on the door! I can go to the toilet like a normal person! Fantastic!» Any mother will understand what I’m talking about. And when you share maternity leave, as Tira and I do, such thoughts do not arise. And then, when one of the parents sits at home all the time, and the other works, then you have two completely different, separate lives. I have a life in which I go to work, and my wife has her whole life around children, and they almost do not intersect. And if you both work and sit with the child, then the one who is at work always knows what is happening to the other: now the baby usually falls asleep or, conversely, at this time she usually wakes up and you need to take a walk with her. Let me be at work today, but I myself fed and put her to bed the day before yesterday. We live one life, we always have something to talk about and it is easier to understand each other. Although, of course, not everyone manages to arrange maternity leave the way we did. I am a programmer, so if necessary, I can generally work from home. Tyra works for an agency that employs people with Asperger’s Syndrome and ADHD. She also often has the opportunity to change the schedule, you just need to agree in advance. In this sense, we are very lucky.

– What is the most difficult thing when you sit with a small child?

— I’m already an experienced dad, but young fathers who have had their first child often talk about how much they will finally redo when they go on maternity leave. And they will play computer games as much as they like, and everything else that has been put off for so long and for which there was no time will finally be finished or, on the contrary, will be tried. Just put the baby to sleep and you can have fun. But soon they realize how much time it takes to care for a child. Although, on the other hand, now, while Shi is still not walking and missing everything around — and at the same time sleeps quite well during the day — from time to time I can sit in the garden and do my own thing. Sometimes I or Tira take her to the office for a couple of hours when there are some irrevocable meetings, and everything goes smoothly there too. When she is one and a half or two years old, it will, of course, become more difficult, because she will no longer sleep so much or sit calmly in her arms for a long time. And then, by the age of five or six, it will become easier again: you can put a tablet in her for half an hour if you need to take a break. In the meantime, perhaps the most difficult thing, as for all parents of babies, is lack of sleep. This is how we deal with it: I am in charge of the first half of the night, and Tira is in charge of the second. Such a plan helps a lot, because everyone knows when his shift is. But if someone wakes up from her crying before the other, then he can approach the child himself, without finding out whose turn it is.

Dad can

I ask Esse how he feels about the rather common opinion that a man usually begins to participate in raising a child later, when he can already talk and communicate, and messing around with babies is a woman’s business.

“I have heard of such a concept,” Esse laughs. — Dad, who sits with a very small child, allegedly strives to become a mother. Well what can I say? First off, to be honest, I don’t give a damn if anyone thinks breastfeeding isn’t manly enough. Secondly, such people have a false idea about babies. Shi is now seven months old, and we communicate with might and main: she laughs when I show her different things, she herself points to different things and asks me about them, she gets scared of something, and I calm her down, she constantly learns something new … Isn’t that communication?

“Nevertheless,” Tira intervenes, “many men in Sweden actually take maternity leave after their child is one year old.

“Yes,” Esse nods, “I know such fathers. Usually they spend the first two weeks with the child with his wife, then they go to work, and when the baby is one year old, they stay at home for several months until he goes to the garden. At the same time, the first year is still difficult for them: you don’t get much sleep at night, and in the morning you have to get up for work every day. But I think that women in general still have a harder time. And although this, of course, is not very accepted now, from time to time an employer or boss can still ask his employee if she is going to have children. Well, maybe not to ask directly, but to ask vaguely and very politely. This is because many, even here in Sweden, still believe that children are an obstacle to a woman’s career. Whereas for a man (I even saw statistics somewhere) going on maternity leave, on the contrary, is good for a career, because if a man takes care of his children, for some reason everyone thinks that he is an amazing, exceptional person.