Can you have a baby by yourself: Becoming a Single Mom – A Guide to Conceiving a Baby of Your Own

Posted on 28 сентября, 2020 by alexxlab

Becoming a Single Mom – A Guide to Conceiving a Baby of Your Own

June 13, 2016

A Guide to Conceiving a Baby of Your Own

Do you want to have a child of your own, but you don’t have a partner? Maybe you feel your biological clock ticking and are worried that it’s too late to wait. Choosing to become a single mom is not an easy decision to make. It may hurt to realize that your dream of a husband and family may not happen when you want it to or the way you thought it would. It’s okay to grieve for that dream and feel the pain.

But the world is full of possibilities. There’s more than one way to have a family. You can choose to become a single mother, if that’s right for you. Now, let’s see how you can make that dream of motherhood happen.

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Are You Sure You’re Ready?

Being a single parent is not easy. You probably know women who are divorced and have children or who got pregnant when they didn’t intend to and are raising a child on their own. Single moms have plenty of challenges and stresses. Yet millions of healthy children have grown up in single-parent homes. How does that happen? Besides giving lots of love, having a support network and being able to financially support a child are key. Take a hard look at your family and friends. Who will be your backup, when the baby’s sick and you have to work? Who will give you emotional support? Ask your family and friends if they will go to the hospital with you when you deliver or if they can be there when you need them. Also, think about how you will afford to raise a child. Will your income cover the cost of taking care of both you and a child? Remember that will include not only food and shelter but health insurance and education. Is your family willing to help? Do you have other sources of income? Choosing to have a baby on your own is a decision to make with both your heart and your head.

Your Age is a Factor

If you want a biological child and you don’t have a partner, fertility treatment using donor sperm can make it possible for you to conceive. Your age is the major factor that determines what kind of fertility treatment you will need to have a baby. A woman’s fertility starts declining at about age 28, and declines slowly until age 35. Then it declines more steeply, and accelerates again between 39 and 42. In almost all cases, a woman’s ability to conceive naturally ends about 10 years before menopause.

Women under 35 may be able to get pregnant via IUI, intrauterine insemination, with donor sperm. If you are 35 or older, your fertility specialist may recommend moving to IVF treatment with donor sperm. Women who are 40 or older may want to consider donor eggs to increase their chance of having a baby. The first step at any age is to see a reproductive endocrinologist and get a fertility workup. Then you’ll know what your options are, based on the quality and quantity of your eggs and other factors that affect your fertility.

Choosing Donor Sperm

When you’re ready to go ahead with IUI or IVF, you will need donor sperm. You can use a known donor or choose donor sperm from a sperm bank. It’s a little more complicated that the “turkey baster” method people joke about. If you want to use a known donor, someone you know who is willing to donate sperm for you, you need to check out the legal aspects of the relationship. What do the laws in your state say about parental rights? Do you and the donor want him to be involved with the child, or not? You may want to consult a lawyer experienced in reproductive law. If you both decide to go ahead with a known donor, he will need to be screened for sexually transmitted infections. You may want genetic testing as well to make sure he’s not a carrier for genetic diseases. Some fertility centers will not work with known donors at all due to the legal issues, or will only work with them if all the legal aspects are finalized before treatment.

Donor sperm is available through sperm banks. Your fertility center may recommend one to you. Using a sperm bank is the best choice if you do not want your donor to have any relationship with the child. In most states, an anonymous sperm donor does not have any parental rights over children conceived from his donation. Sperm donors are screened for sexually transmitted infections and some hereditary diseases. Read more about choosing donor sperm here.

What Happens Next?

If you’re having IUI, usually your fertility specialist will give you Clomid to stimulate your ovaries to produce multiple eggs. When you ovulate, you will be inseminated in the fertility clinic with the donor sperm. In many cases you will then be monitored to make sure you don’t have a high-multiple pregnancy.

In an IVF cycle, you inject fertility drugs prescribed by your reproductive endocrinologist to stimulate egg production and help the eggs mature. When they are ready, they are extracted from your ovaries with a syringe. Your eggs are fertilized with donor sperm in the embryology lab. When embryos develop over 3-5 days, the best one or two are chosen and transferred to your uterus. Costs in a typical IVF cycle include the treatment itself and fertility medication, but for single moms by choice donor sperm would be an additional cost. Additionally, IVF tends to cost more for older women because they often need higher doses of fertility medications in order to get pregnant.

Going it alone: why I chose single motherhood | Parents and parenting

The hardest thing about having a baby alone isn’t the expense, the fear or the loneliness. It isn’t the process of getting pregnant, with its cycles of raised and dashed hopes, or the term “sperm donor”, with its unsettling connotations. It’s not even the queasy feeling that what you are doing sets you apart from other people and that the reason you are doing it is not that you are a powerful, rational, resourceful woman, but, as a friend of mine put it after considering and rejecting the idea of having a baby alone, that “I couldn’t get anyone to shag me”.

No. The hardest thing about having a baby alone is making the decision to do it.

“So are you going to do it then?” says Rosemary. It is late summer 2013 and we are drinking whisky in a hotel bar in Edinburgh.

“Yeah, probably,” I say. “I mean, I might. Are you?”

“I don’t know.”

I haven’t seen Rosemary for months and it is only after a lot of whisky, and with a casualness that belies the cold terror underneath, that we reach the main order of business: our ongoing discussion, part lament, part spur to action, over what to do about having children. That is: if, when, how and with whom, or, since we are both, for the purposes of this conversation, single, “with” “whom”.

I have always known I wanted children. From the time I was old enough to conceptualise my future, motherhood made sense to me. It was always one child in my imaginings and never part of a fantasy about marriage, and while everything else in my life changed over the years – the country I lived in, the kind of work I did, the gender of the people I dated – the distant outline of a child remained steadfast. On the rare occasions I allowed myself to inspect it directly, the idea that it might never happen made me feel giddy with loss.

I met L two years after moving to New York. On the surface of things, we looked very different – me, English, lefty, fundamentally unkempt; she, New Yorker, centre-right, well put together. On any given day we could disagree about everything – fact or fiction, subway or car, Republican or Democrat – so that, in the months after we met, it felt like being on safari in each other’s alien worlds.

If falling in love is, partly, a question of finding a docking station for one’s neuroses, I knew I was home when L told me that, after her building was evacuated during 9/11, she went straight to an off-licence and bought hundreds of dollars’ worth of booze in case civilisation collapsed and the world reverted to a barter economy. Come the zombie apocalypse, this is a woman you want on your side. But there was this, too: the house she grew up in would one day have to be sold, she said, and what she would miss most were the things you can’t take with you, like the sound the stairs made when they expanded at night. Somewhere in my system, a pilot light flared.

She was three years older than me and told me from the outset that, in the near future, she was planning on trying to get pregnant. Logistically, this made sense; it would be madness to forestall while we flapped about for another two years trying to decide what we were doing. Emotionally, however, it stumped me. According to every relationship model I knew, you could either be with someone who’d had kids before you met, have kids together and separate down the line, or split up and have a baby alone. There was no such thing as being with someone who had a baby on her own. It sounded like a terrible deal: all the stress and anxiety without the substance of motherhood.

I didn’t want to be dating people with children when I had none of my own, wishing I’d had the courage to act

At that stage, the strongest terms in which I could have put my own long-held but dormant desire for a baby were that I didn’t want not to have one. If there was, behind this impulse, a larger, less tangible longing, I didn’t want to look into it too deeply lest it unleash a full-blown baby hunger I couldn’t get back in the box. But I started to notice small, unsettling changes in myself. When somebody asked me, “Do you have children?” – a question that, until recently, I had responded to in my head with versions of, “Are you mental? I’m about 11” – it started to sound less neutral, more unfriendly. I had always believed that, medical issues aside, most women without children had acted through choice, but my faith in this weakened. I watched as a number of friends missed out on having children because their boyfriends broke up with them when they were in the vicinity of 40, before having children with younger women. I watched as women six, seven years my senior finally met someone new and went through round after punishing round of IVF. I didn’t want to be alone at 45, or 50, and on Tinder, dating people with children when I had none of my own. I didn’t want to be 70, the age my mother was when she died, lying on my deathbed without the image of my child’s face in my head. Above all, I didn’t want to look back on this period and wish I’d had the courage to act.

I also didn’t want to “help” another woman raise her baby. Unless I was Mother Teresa (I’m not), the only way it would make sense for me to stick around in the event of L having a child was if our relationship became a more conventional union, or if I had my own baby independently, too.

It’s not that L’s pregnancy made me more broody (I defy any woman to see another woman’s early pregnancy up close and think, “Hey, that looks fun!”) and I wasn’t bound by her decisions. We didn’t live together. In fact, an infantile strand of my personality deliberately wanted to make different decisions. If we were going to suffer the deprivations of single parenthood, we might as well realise all the advantages, too – in my case, starting from scratch and doing precisely what suited me and my notional baby.

All I had to do was figure out what that was. Would I use a friend as a sperm donor, or a stranger? If the former, who? If the latter, how would I make that choice? Would I move back to London for free treatment on the NHS (which, to the horror of the rightwing press, now offers fertility services to single women and lesbians) or stay in America and spend thousands on something that might not even work? In the event, I choose the path of least resistance: America will never really feel like home, but it is where I live, where L has her baby and where, eight months later, I am sufficiently panicked to finally get moving with my own.

One of the things you have to get used to when you are a British person embarking on fertility treatment in the US is the pace. In Britain, the law of supply and demand is such that there are more women wanting sperm than there are donors, so even private clinics have waiting lists. In America, where no one with adequate resources waits for anything, you have a chat with your doctor, schedule a date, call the donor bank, which bikes the sperm round to the clinic, and off you go. You might have spent six months or six years deciding to do this; but you could, potentially, be pregnant within a month of first seeing your doctor.

I want someone clever, with dark hair.
I want someone whose favourite film isn’t Titanic

That is, if you have made what feels at the time like the hardest decision: how to pick a donor. This question probably cost me six months of concentrated flapping, during which time I asked a male friend if he’d do it, because it seemed more “normal” than the alternatives, and was achingly relieved when he said no, before eventually deciding to find an anonymous donor.

This is a tricky part of the story for me. There may come a day when it is as regular as milk to share details of one’s sperm donor – when there is a language less alienating to describe it than this, and that feels less compromising of one’s child’s privacy. But we are not there yet, and I’ve no idea how to calibrate this choice. Is it the biggest of my life, or essentially meaningless? Underplay the donor and you risk turning the guy into the elephant in the room; go on about him too much and you risk pathologising your child’s background. Scrolling through profiles, I look for characteristics that align with my own. I want someone clever, which here means educated. I want someone with dark hair. I want someone whose favourite film isn’t Once Upon A Time In America or Titanic. In the absence of a metric for gauging a man’s humour or internal beauty or moral worth, I want someone tall and basically symmetrical. A choice is superficial only if it is made at the expense of deeper considerations and so, although I reject sperm donors on criteria that would outrage me if applied in real life by men to women, I tell myself I’m not doing anything wrong.

‘The idea that motherhood might never happen made me feel giddy with loss.’ Photograph: Sophia Spring/The Guardian

It’s a mistake to see this exercise as equivalent to friendship or dating. I keep reading articles about sperm donor or egg-freezing “parties”, as if having a child this way were not a series of sober decisions but some mad hen night. The donor banks are just as bad, all called things like Infertility Solutions, making them sound as if they have a sideline in targeted killings. But when you visit the websites, most are set up to look like quasi dating services, reinforcing the lie that you are choosing a husband, co-parent and the progenitor of exactly 50% of your child’s face and personality. They go to great lengths to avoid the word “catalogue” but that’s what it is, pages of donor profiles with vital statistics and photos. Some websites even have a little shopping basket icon in the right-hand corner and an option to “check out” – entirely for show, given that you can’t do any of this without making at least one phone call.

Everything is extra: $35 for the guy’s baby photos; $50 for an audio file. Guidelines vary, but in New York you can see photos of him only as a child. Some donor banks offer a “silhouette” of him as an adult, which would be hilarious if it weren’t so creepy. What next – his breath in a jar to rule out halitosis? I don’t listen to the audio files. I don’t try to find the guy, even though there is so much information, it would probably take me less than a day. This is not gene selection; it is the selection of the story of how my child came to be, and, through a combination of vital statistics, familiarity of background, a subtle implication that he is a Democrat and his use of the word “tremendous”, which signals to me a certain wryness and enthusiasm, I make my choice. In other words, on nothing substantive. What matters is it’s my choice and I make it.

I pay extra for ID disclosure, enabling any child to trace the donor when they turn 18. I decide how much to buy – enough for three cycles – then fill in a form and return it, along with payment for almost $2,000. When I call to confirm my request, I half expect the receptionist to laugh and ask what on earth am I doing, trying to buy genetic material over the phone as if it were lunch? Instead, after I mumble, “Need to order some sperm”, she puts me through to the lab, where a technician will check to see if what I want is available.

I give him the donor number. There is a clacking of keys, followed by a short pause. Then, with the smoothness of a sommelier fielding a wine order at dinner, he says, “An excellent choice.”

After weeks of monitoring, at the end of 2013, my eggs are ready. This is it, says Dr B. I can come in tomorrow and, after waiting an hour for the sperm to defrost, finally get this show on the road. He asks if I’d like L to be present when the insemination takes place. “Some people find it nice to involve their partners.”

Fertility treatment can be hard and excluding, he says, and involving the patient’s partner, even to the extent of inviting him or her to operate the syringe full of sperm, can give them a feeling of inclusion. I blush. Clearly he’s in favour of L being present, either because it gives him a warm feeling or to neutralise some latent ambivalence he has about helping to create single mothers.

I try to imagine the scene: me, stressed out and half-naked on a gurney; L, holding the catheter and rolling her eyes; the medical staff, trying not to intrude on our beautiful moment. I don’t think I want L there – I don’t want anyone there, it’s embarrassing – and when I imagine asking her, I realise I don’t want to give her an opportunity to say no, either.

There is a cold, mean streak in me that makes me think trying to involve the partner is ludicrous under any circumstances. Surely there’s a dignity in allowing things to be what they are? This is a medical procedure; pretending otherwise risks making the treatment seem sadder, just as choosing a sperm donor will continue to feel sad, or bad, or weird, as long as it’s tied to conventions associated with choosing a spouse.

The next day, a week before Christmas, Dr B breezes in full of good cheer. We chit-chat as he loads the syringe with a substance that is, gram for gram, more expensive than the world’s finest heroin (though less expensive than marrying someone you’re not into in order to have a baby).

The cycle fails, as do the subsequent three cycles, one of which results in a short-lived pregnancy and all of which mean that, by the spring of 2014, I am taking, for the second month in a row and despite producing too many eggs the first time, large amounts of fertility hormones.

It is different this time.

“How do you feel?” says Dr B.

“I feel messed with.”

For five days I have been injecting myself with a preloaded pen, which has bruised me terribly. The skin of my abdomen looks like 1970s wallpaper, all bright purple flowers with a greeny blue border. I feel altered, hideously bad-tempered. I tell myself it’s chemical and will pass. But it doesn’t.

A week after finishing the injections, Dr B looks at my charts and tells me to stop taking the drugs. Ten days later I go in for insemination number five.

Are our children victims of a half-arsed piece of emotional evasion, or beneficiaries of a radical new vision?

“Whoa,” says the nurse doing the ultrasound. “You’ve a lot going on in there.”

I look at the screen: a lot of shapeless dark patches connected by strings.

“They look like spider’s eggs,” I say, and shudder.

I have, once again, overreacted to the hormones. But Dr B says not to worry: not all of them are mature. I could call off the cycle but I say, “Go ahead.” The sun comes out that weekend, and L and I take a walk with the baby in the buggy. I feel Zen in the face of all possible outcomes. On Monday night I go into my kitchen and crack an egg against the side of a pan for dinner. Two bright yellow yolks slide down. I have never seen such a thing before and stare down at the eggs, feeling bad for the hen. I am so surprised I say it out loud: “Twins.”

It’s twins. Of course it is. How could it not be? I am a walking exemplar of the phrase, “Be careful what you wish for.” Over the next few weeks I wait for the idea of carrying twins to normalise, but it doesn’t. For minutes at a time I forget I’m pregnant, then I remember with the force of the original shock. I have lunch with an old friend I haven’t seen for a while. I know he’ll be shocked, too, and he is.

“Wow. Congratulations.”

“Thanks!”

“How’s that going to work?” he says.

And there it is, the question we’ve been avoiding since L’s pregnancy. If I have these babies, what will the babies be to L and what will she be to them? The answer is only partly to be found in the relationship I have with her baby. There is no honorific to describe what I am to him and there is no word for what he is to me. He is at the centre of us, the miracle over whom we both marvel, but I have no moral, financial or legal responsibility for him. Neither do I perform many of the most basic parental duties.

I have always known this lopsided arrangement would be tolerable only until I had a baby of my own. What I hadn’t anticipated is the ways in which its limitations would also prove to be strengths. In the year since his birth, my relationship with the baby has evolved to be oddly free-floating from that with L. He is my buddy, a child in whom I have no stake other than love. That it’s a love I’m not bound – by law or biology – to feel makes it all the more precious.

On the other hand, what am I doing potentially bringing two further children into a situation it takes so long to explain? I can just about rationalise to myself why a woman without a child might want to maintain a degree of separation from a partner with a child, given the vast difference in lifestyle. But two women in separate households with babies of a similar age who hang out on evenings and weekends? If we’re not a blended family, then what on earth are we?

Clearly, at this point, the proper course of action would be to either give up this nonsense of separate households and separate children, and move in together, or else call it a day. There is no middle way. Perhaps it is selfish. It’s selfish to carry on along parallel tracks, denying the children a second parent and creating two single-parent families. It’s selfish, practically, morally, financially and environmentally, to maintain our independence while being together, like driving two cars to a single destination. And while my relationship with L’s baby is full of joy, how can it survive once I have my own children and am unable to travel back and forth to see him?

‘I wait for the idea of carrying twins to normalise, but it doesn’t.’ Photograph: Sophia Spring/The Guardian

For the first time I seriously question why I want to do this alone. It isn’t just that L and I have conflicting ideas about parenting – very broadly, I am too mean in her eyes, and she isn’t mean enough in mine – it’s the historical weight each of us puts on those differences and our assumptions about where they might lead us. We both have a highly developed sense of self-preservation, which expresses itself in different ways, except, perhaps, in this one shared belief: that the way one protects children from harm is by controlling who has access to them. The only thing more frightening to me than not having a baby is having a baby in a hostile environment.

One afternoon L sends me an email with a link to an apartment listing that is almost double the rent I pay in Brooklyn. The floor plan looks familiar, as does the view from the window. It’s in her building, the mirror image of her home, but one floor down.

“?!” I reply.

“!!”

“But do we want to live that close to each other? Isn’t it weird?”

“I don’t know.”

I go to see it. The landlord is putting in new flooring and a new bathroom and most of the apartment is under polythene, but because it’s an exact copy of L’s, bar the fixtures and fittings, I don’t have much trouble imagining it. It occurs to me, as I walk around, that he may not even want to rent to a single woman expecting two babies. But in any case, it’s too expensive. Eeven if it’s the kind of building I need, with a mail room and an elevator and a maintenance team on site; even if it would be amazing to have L upstairs when I bring the babies home; even if the very fact that the listing came up in the first place, in a co-op that discourages rentals, is the kind of coincidence that feels like a gift from above – none of that matters, because I can’t afford it.It is, surely, nuts: to sort of live together but not. It feels like cheating, to have L’s support and proximity without the hard work of cohabitation. How would we explain it to the children? Or to ourselves? That we like each other sufficiently to be in daily contact, except on days when we don’t? What would the kids even be to each other? Cousins? Best friends? The victims of a half-arsed piece of emotional evasion, or beneficiaries of a radical new vision?

In those first weeks after moving, we enter a honeymoon period in which the loveliness of living almost together is nothing to the luxury of living sort of apart. The act of leaving my flat and walking up one flight imbues daily visits with the tiny frisson of occasion. When one of us snaps, the other goes home without it being construed as a histrionic gesture. There’s no marriage or joint mortgage, but a commitment has been made. I have the long-overdue realisation that relationships rely on a balance between independence and the right level of curtailment of freedom to liberate one from the burden of choice.

One evening, L sits on the sofa with her son, reading a book about different kinds of families. “‘Some people have two mommies,’” she reads, pointing to an illustration of two badgers wearing earrings with a baby badger in their midst. “‘Some people have two daddies. Some people have one mummy, hasome people have one daddy.’” Her baby, who isn’t a baby any more but a toddler and the most delightful child in the world, isn’t quite old enough to formulate questions and we are off the hook for a little while yet. L and I exchange glances. “Some people have a neighbour,” she says, sotto voce.

My final ultrasound of the year falls just after Christmas. I am six weeks from the due date. The technician looks at the screen. He frowns, says something I don’t catch and leaves the room. Someone else comes in. Everyone gathers by the monitor while I look at the ceiling and try to figure out what to have for lunch. A fourth doctor comes in and tells me to get dressed and follow him. I feel a spike of alarm. In his office, my high-risk obstetrician, Dr Y, is waiting.

“They have to come out,” Dr Y says.

“Oh my God.”

The placenta for the smallest baby is working only intermittently; if it stops altogether, she’ll die.

“This is not an emergency,” Dr Y says calmly, “but it is… fairly urgent.” He tells me he has time the following day, New Year’s Eve, or the day after that.

“Let’s do it tomorrow,” I say, trembling.

“Three pm?”

“OK.”

I have been so stringent in ensuring I can do this alone, perhaps the reward is that I don’t always have to

My dad is in London and offers to come straight to New York, but I don’t want him in the air while I’m having surgery; I can’t add fear of his plane going down to everything else. At L’s that night, I tell her to ask her mother to come across town the following day to watch her son.

“I’m so happy you’ll be there,” I say.

“It’s only because everyone else is in England.”

“No, it isn’t. I would want you to be there, whatever.”

As I say this, I realise it’s true. Fear pushes me inward, joy pushes me out, and while I am as frightened of having these babies as of anything, it’s a different kind of fear: not a shrinking but an opening out. I have been so stringent in ensuring I can do this alone, perhaps the reward is that I don’t always have to.

Right up until the last moment, a small part of me thinks, what if all this is a mistake? What if Dr Y turns to me and says there’s nothing in there – of course you’re not pregnant! Did you think that, by signing a few forms and handing over your credit card, you could dodge millennia of evolution, not to mention convention and common decency? Go home, buy yourself a cat and never speak of this again.

But at 4.17 pm the next day, a tiny, fierce cry fills the room. Baby A is removed from the basement of my body. I burst into tears. L grips my hand. A moment later, Baby B comes out and L leaps from her seat in the direction of the babies while Dr Y, turning to his students, holds a quick pop quiz over my guts. Then the nurses bring over the babies.

L gets all of this illegally on camera. It’s not footage I can watch too often. The babies, two flat-faced Glo Worms covered in gel, are blotchy and impossibly alive. I am insane on the gurney, grinning drunkenly at my two girls. Over and over I say it, in the manner of a woman shortly to be given more drugs: “Oh my God, I can’t believe they’re both blond.”

This is an edited extract from An Excellent Choice by Emma Brockes, published by Faber & Faber at £16.99. To order a copy for £13.99, go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846.

Commenting on this piece? If you would like your comment to be considered for inclusion on Weekend magazine’s letters page in print, please email weekend@theguardian. com, including your name and address (not for publication).

Single and wanting a baby? Here are your options

You thought you’d be married by now, or at least with someone you could settle down with. When you were thirty and single, you believed you had plenty of time to find a partner, and have children. Only now you’re at the other side of your thirties and time is running out … how do you have the baby you’ve dreamed of if you don’t have the partner to make it with?

Lots of women end up in their mid-to-late thirties with their biological clock ticking loudly – but no partner on the scene to start a family with. But if you’re single and want to try for a baby, the good news is that you don’t need to be a with a partner to create life. These days, more women than ever are making the decision to pursue motherhood with or without a partner, and fortunately for them, there are several options to choose from when it comes to falling pregnant.

Sometimes there has to be a Plan B

Plenty of us start out with a dream to have a big family, but of course in reality this doesn’t always pan out. Relationship breakdowns and not finding the right partner to settle down with can mean that planning for parenthood is more challenging than first realised. Other women are single by choice and don’t see that marriage and coupling needs to happen for them to become mothers. Every single woman is different, and although the initial plan might have been to have babies with a loving partner, sometimes you need a Plan B, and modern times mean that this is totally achievable.

Times are different

Women have never had more choices when it comes to falling pregnant. No longer chained to the notion that babies require marriage and two heterosexual parents, or the financial backing a partner can bring to parenthood, independent women these days are making their own decisions when it comes to having babies. With many professional women on top in their careers, managing their own finances and surrounded by supportive friends and family, choosing to have a baby on their own is not the taboo topic it may have been in the past.

Going solo by choice

According to Dr Georgiana Tang, Medical Director of City Fertility Centre (Sydney Clinic), women choosing to be a single mother is on the increase, and as well as the widespread acceptance of this, there are many options for women considering going it alone. “There are a comprehensive range of services to help single women achieve parenthood, whether that be now or down the track,” says Dr Tang. “The first decision you need to think about is whether you want to try now to have a baby or whether you would like to preserve your fertility – by freezing your eggs – in order to try and have a baby at a later date.”

The next thing to consider is your age, says Dr Tang. “One of the most important factors that often influences your decision on what action to take will be your age. Research shows that female fertility is at its optimum level until the age of 35.” Bear in mind that the quality of your eggs will start to decline rapidly from age 35, and your chances will become increasingly slim as you approach your early forties. Therefore, Dr Tang says, if you are hoping to use your own eggs, age plays an important role. Keep this in mind as you consider your fertility options.

Whether you’ve decided to freeze your eggs for a later date or want to go for a baby now, here are some fertility options that can help you fall pregnant on your own:

Donor insemination

Otherwise known as artificial insemination, this involves inserting treated sperm into the uterus directly. This could be using frozen sperm from a donor, which will have been thoroughly screened for infectious diseases and genetic conditions. The sperm donor’s details will also be kept on file so that your child can access this information when they are 18 years old, if they wish to learn more about their biological father.

In vitro fertilisation

“In vitro fertilisation (IVF) literally means ‘fertilisation in glass’”, says Dr Tang. “For single women, it involves the fertilisation of the egg by a donor sperm in an incubator outside the body, followed by transfer of the embryo back into the uterus. ” Before this can happen, a woman needs to go through a full IVF cycle, including the egg retrieval process, after which any spare eggs can be kept frozen or fertilised with donor sperm and frozen as embryos.

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection

If IVF proves unsuccessful, or if sperm is suspected of being poor quality, Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) can improve the chances of pregnancy, and involves the injection of a single sperm into each egg.

Egg freezing

Egg freezing has become both more popular and much advanced over the past decade, says Dr Tang, who adds that research studies are demonstrating equally successful fertilisation rates for frozen eggs and fresh eggs. This is great news for women who don’t want to fall pregnant right now, but want to keep their options open for the future. “Egg freezing can potentially be helpful for single women for a range of reasons including those who wish to try and have children at a later date, those with a genetic disorder that could limit their fertility, and women with cancer who need to undergo chemotherapy,” says Dr Tang. “However,” she adds, “it is essential that egg freezing only happens after appropriate counselling.”

While there is no guarantee that freezing your eggs will one day produce a successful pregnancy for you, the younger you are when you freeze your eggs, the better quality they will be when the time is right. To ensure you have all the information you need to decide whether to freeze your eggs or not, make an appointment with a fertility specialist who can help.

DIY pregnancy

If fertility clinics aren’t your scene – or in your budget – you could consider using a friend’s sperm donation. This can be a plus if you have a ready and willing friend, but consider drawing up a legal agreement between the two of you before you go through with it, as you never know how things may change down the track. For example, your donor friend may say he is happy not to have anything to do with the baby once it’s born, but then change his mind after the birth.

If you can spot trouble with the donor friend option, you could consider using the internet to find a sperm contributor. The Tinder style ‘Just a Baby‘ app is becoming popular amongst diverse groups of people who are struggling with fertility options and connects users with legal guidance as well as fertility advice and counselling.

The freedom to choose

If you’re single and want a baby, and don’t want to waste time waiting to meet a partner who wants the same things as you, then you are free to make a decision that suits you and your fertility needs sooner rather than later. Many women who have gone down the same path describe it as the best decision they could have made, and that not having to pin their hopes on Mr Right coming along was hugely empowering. With so many options available, there’s every reason to believe that this can happen for you too.

Posted on February 18, 2018March 7, 2019 by Karina Lane

Scientists Are Working Out Whether You Can Have a Baby with Yourself

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Are you disgusted by your peers but still eager to bring a child into the world they inhabit? A team of scientists at the University of Manchester might have your answer: “single-parent reproduction. ” Which is exactly what it sounds like—a very complicated scientific process that essentially involves taking one person’s stem cells, making one of them male and the other female, before splicing them together to make a child.

If you want to go the other way entirely, the paper that César Palacios-González, John Harris, and Giuseppe Testa published in March states that, within the next two years, we could be producing babies genetically related to three parents—or “multiplex parenting,” as they’ve dubbed it. Although it still has to be subjected to extensive ethical and legal review, the technology could avoid mitochondrial diseases being inherited from a mother—which surely seems like a step forward.

However, all this sci-fi science hasn’t gone down particularly well with more conservative commentators; half of the world is still getting its head around same-sex parents, so it’s hardly surprising that people are freaking out about the prospect of multiple-biological-parent children. I called Palacios-González for his take on the reaction, and to speak about the ethics of what he and his team have proposed.

VICE: Can you explain, in the simplest possible terms, what new advancement prompted your paper?
César Palacios-González: Human gametes [sperm and eggs] are produced naturally. But recently, scientists have been able to produce them in the lab using embryonic stem-cell lines and induced pluripotent stem cells. Part of what this means is that they have been able to turn male somatic stem cells into female gametes, which led to us writing our paper.

Some of the stuff in there is bound to attract criticism—for instance, where you mention that lab-generated gametes represent the «most visible instance where biotechnological ingenuity could be used in pursuit of social experimentation.” Were you looking to stir up some controversy?

We weren’t intentionally trying to stir up controversy; we simply presented arguments in favor of using in-vitro-produced gametes for same-sex reproduction and what we call multiplex parenting—instances where a child would be genetically related to all the members of a polyamorous relation. Obviously this wasn’t received with a standing ovation from the conservative sector.

What advantages do you see there being to multiplex parenting?
I think that multiplex parenting would be beneficial for members of polyamorous relationships who want to have children who are genetically related to every member of the relation. Just as IVF can be used to help couples to have children who are genetically related to them, in vitro-produced gametes could be used in the same fashion by people in polyamorous relationships.

Brigitte Garozzo, spokesperson for the Polyamory Action Lobby. Photo via Wikimedia Commons

You mention the relatively recent emergence of our standard two-parent model. Did you have any specific culture’s family dynamics in mind when you were writing the paper?
We weren’t thinking of a particular culture, but we’ve looked extensively at all the archeological and anthropological evidence on polyandric [having more than one husband] and polygynic [having more than one wife] societies that have existed for centuries. I should be clear that we aren’t saying that such cultures are perfect, or that we should imitate them. Each has its own advantages and problems, but they are proof that non-nuclear models exist and have existed for a very long time. Also, the natural world is full of instances where animals pool their resources for the upbringing of their own kin and others’ kin.

Can you explain how single-parent reproduction is different from cloning?
In cloning you take the nucleus of a somatic cell and transfer it to an enucleated egg [a cell with the genetic material removed]. Next, the cell’s development is triggered and it’s transferred into a womb. This process, if successful, creates a biological replica of the animal from which the cell nucleus was taken. In contrast, in single-parent reproduction you have two gametes with different genetic information—as would happen with siblings—but both gametes are derived from the same individual. These are used to produce an embryo that could be implanted into a womb later on. This difference between using a somatic cell nucleus or gametes is important, because with the latter you would end up with someone who isn’t an exact copy of the source of the gametes.

What are the possible benefits to this?
It would allow people to have children that are genetically related to them without having to resort to using someone else’s genes. However, this type of reproduction would increase the chance of producing children with ill health, even more than when first-degree cousins have children—so it’s really just a hypothetical situation.

A human cell line colony being cloned in vitro. Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Critics have labeled this as mad science, saying it illustrates the anything-goes mentality of modern science. What do you say to that?
I remember that someone labeled us as mad ethicists. I would ask them why they think that we’re mad. Maybe they think we’re mad for having started a new debate regarding reproductive technologies and reproductive freedom—you never know. But I’d say that they’re wrong about the anything-goes mentality—on the contrary; we thoroughly examine the ethical implications of these new technologies to make sure that anything doesn’t go. There are technological advances that are morally problematic, but in the paper we provided arguments to show that the moral obstacles to the use of in-vitro-derived gametes for same-sex reproduction and multiplex parenting are not insurmountable.

The actual motives for your work seem to be about equal opportunities. Do you see science as being a catalyst for improving tolerance in the future?
Yes, although science by itself does not improve tolerance. Certain advances in science and technology—for example, social media—facilitate public and academic discussion about tolerance and what it means to be tolerant. It’s true that certain advances emphasize certain topics at certain times. For example, I think that this technology will bring more attention to the discussion about polyamory and same-sex relations.

You’ve said that this form of fertilization is no more synthetic than wearing glasses is synthetically seeing. Do you think it’s rational that we tend to favor things we perceive as being “natural”?
I think that, in general, we have a bias towards favoring what’s natural, but such prejudice can be modified when considering the benefits that using other “non-natural” things could bring about. Many times we tend to favor what is natural because it’s what we know and because it’s more ready available, but such facts don’t tells us that what is natural is always better.

IVF in action. Photo via Wikimedia Commons

The UK Government was one of the first to back the mitochondrial-replacement technique that’s currently under review. Would you say Britain is particularly open-minded about progressive science?
I wouldn’t use those words. What I would say is that, in Britain, there’s a more informed public debate around scientific ideas and their application, and also that there are more spaces for doing so. This favours critical thinking and helps when the government has to legislate scientific advances that could be considered by some as morally problematic.

I think the most valid concern is the possibility of designer babies. How would you address people’s worries about this?
Currently this is an important debate in applied ethics. I think that those against the so-called “designer babies” have failed to present conclusive arguments so far. And I also think that people shouldn’t worry that Britain will move from mitochondrial replacement to “designer babies” just like that. Just as we saw a huge amount of public and academic debate on mitochondrial replacement, we will see another one about “designer babies” before something actually happens.

Finally, in 2004, Pope John Paul II said practices like in vitro fertilization represent “a technology that wants to substitute true paternity and maternity, and therefore that does harm to the dignity of parents and children alike. ” How would you describe Jesus’ family structure?
I’m not sure how I would describe Jesus’ family structure. What I know is that Catholics and other conservative groups have a limited notion of dignity that directly depends on a religious worldview, and they want to force a notion of dignity backed by religious beliefs into a secular debate. The same thing happens with the notions of “true paternity and maternity,” and it’s worth saying that religious worldviews should not dictate what paternity and maternity mean in a secular world.

Thanks, Cesar.

Follow Alex Horne on Twitter.

5 things to know if you want to become a single parent by choice

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Life

In Party for One, Mashable explores single life in 2020, from Carly Rae Jepsen’s iconic single anthems, to the beauty of alone time, and the fascinating history behind the single positivity movement.

In 1979, Jane Mattes was busy looking into adoption in hopes of becoming a mother. One of her single female friends had recently adopted a child, which intrigued Mattes and inspired her search.

But life swooped in and altered her plans. Mattes unintentionally became pregnant by the man she was dating at the time. He wasn’t interested in fatherhood and wished her good luck. His decision didn’t change Mattes’ trajectory. She had already been considering solo parenthood.

Today Mattes’ son is 40 years old. His single-parent upbringing didn’t phase him at all while growing up, according to his mother. «He was like, ‘what’s the big deal?'» she says. Despite her son’s ease with his family structure, Mattes didn’t always find it easy to be a single parent. In late 1980, she started a support group in New York City for mothers like her, which evolved into the nonprofit Single Mothers by Choice in 1981. Today, the organization provides a communal online and offline space for women and non-binary people predominately in the U.S. and Canada who are contemplating single parenthood, those who are already pregnant, and those who are single parents by choice.

Though Mattes loved every minute of her solo parenting journey, saying she was thrilled to watch her son grow from a baby into a developed person, she knows the single parent by choice road is paved with challenges.

Mashable spoke with Mattes and other experts to get tips for anyone who is contemplating going the parenting path alone (though most of the experts work only with women, a lot of the advice can also be used by single fathers by choice), and what they should consider.

1. Don’t be put off by people’s reactions

When Sarah Kowalski told people close to her that she was going to be a single parent by choice, she didn’t realize how much it would trigger other people’s insecurities. At 39 years old, she was without a partner but wanted to be a parent. She eventually received eggs from a donor as she’s infertile and, therefore, can’t conceive a baby with her own eggs. Though it was a long and sometimes challenging journey, Kowalski is now on the other side. As a fertility doula, she mentors women who are having difficulties conceiving, either because they don’t have a partner or have fertility issues, and offers support groups for single mothers by choice through her website Motherhood Reimagined.

Kowalski says in terms of people’s reactions, it’s beneficial to understand that most people don’t mean you harm, even if you hear presumptive statements like, «You haven’t given it enough time to find the right person.» Have compassion for them and realize their reactions might not be what you’d prefer but could be fueled by their own insecurities, biases, and fears. Still, stick to your guns about your decision with the people who matter to you.

«You might disappoint people or make people uncomfortable and that may just be a fact of life,» says Kowalski. Notably, she had friends who were parents who immediately supported her. She was also pleasantly surprised by some reactions. «There were neighbors who I felt I barely knew who mowed my lawn while I was pregnant or right after I gave birth, and people who walked my dogs for me for months. »

2. Consider the ways your life will change

It’s important to assess whether you’re willing to give up the fun parts of being child-free, like the freedom to do what you want when you want, before you take the plunge into the single parent life.

Kali says no matter how many times they tell their clients how much their life will alter as a parent (single or not), they don’t get it until they’re in it.

«The level at which having a child is going to fundamentally change your life still comes as a surprise to most people,» says Kali. «I think most people feel like they can have a baby, take some time off, and then pick their life off where they left it.»

If you’re unsure what single parenting might involve, check out Mattes’ Single Mothers By Choice blog, where single parents by choice detail these experiences.

3. Research your options

There are a lot of routes when it comes to having a child as a single parent — sometimes too many and it can feel overwhelming. First and foremost, you should consult your doctor, as everyone’s health and bodies are different, as are the risks associated with different options.

As there are many options and possibilities to consider, here are a few to think about:

Adoption:

If you’re considering adoption, check out the National Foster Care & Adoption Directory which lists contact information for all 50 states and D.C. for people who want to explore foster care and adoption. International adoption is also an option, but it’s become increasingly difficult given the closing of many countries’ international adoption programs.

Fertility tests to consider:

But if you want to have a baby yourself, Kristin Kali has a key recommendation. Though Kali is not a single parent by choice themselves, they are currently single with four grown children and work with single parents by choice on a regular basis. They are a licensed midwife with Maia Midwifery and Fertility in Seattle, with 15 years of experience at Maia. During that time, they have worked with many queer patients and says one-third of their patients have been single parents by choice.

Kali says if you are trying to conceive with donor sperm, you should get tests done like an antral follicle count and an anti-mullerian hormone count (both of which can give a glimpse into your fertility). Just know that donor sperm is expensive (sperm can cost about $300 to $600 per vial) and Kali says they don’t want people to spend unnecessarily if they can’t conceive.

To find out more about these tests and how much they will cost, consult your doctor. However, a 2017 study of 750 women between the ages of 30 and 44 found that women with low AMH levels were no less likely to get pregnant than those with normal AHM counts. While the research was limited (it only included women without a history of infertility, for example), it has raised questions about relying on AMH as a predictor of fertility.

Egg donor process:

When it comes to learning about the egg donor process, Kowalski suggests the U. S. nonprofit organization Parents Via Egg Donation. It also partners with egg donor agencies and has detailed information about choosing an egg donor. You can also learn about the surrogacy process on its website, along with financial, emotional, and legal considerations. Surrogacy laws vary by state so you should check what your state allows especially when it comes to single parents’ legal rights. In the UK, the law has only very recently changed in Britain to allow single people to be the legal parents of surrogate children.

There are other egg donor organizations you can consult, but do some research (like checking out the professional backgrounds of people who run the organization and what, if anything, reputable media outlets have to say about it) to determine if they’re legitimate.

Legal considerations and discrimination:

Mattes says the main legal concern regarding pregnancy is to create a will and name a guardian. «If something goes wrong during the pregnancy or birth, the child will have a guardian and not go through the foster care system, even temporarily,» says Mattes.

When it comes to potential discrimination against queer single parents by choice in fertility clinics, Kali says, «I think when people are single and they go into a clinic, unless they’re transgender men, then people can decide whether or not to ‘out’ themselves if it’s a matter of homophobia in a fertility clinic.»

«I think going in as a single person in a way is protective when clinics don’t want to serve LGBTQ folks,» Kali says.

4. Take stock of your finances

You’ll want to weigh the costs of the options available to you, whichever route you take. When Kowalski’s OB-GYN first told her she’d likely need an egg donor to get pregnant, she wasn’t ready to accept it. Kowalski spent nearly $10,000 exploring other infertility options before she went with an egg donation, so she recommends setting a budget.

«Once you enter into that world of fertility, it feels like there’s always that one last thing you can keep trying,» explains Kowalski. «You can get sucked into this hope and you need to temper that [with your budget].»

You’ll likely have to visit a medical provider if you want to get pregnant unless you go the route of intracervical insemination (ICI) — one type of artificial insemination that some people refer to as the «turkey baster» method. Here are a couple of ways artificial insemination is performed (both are done just before ovulation):

Intrauterine insemination (IUI): Done at a doctor’s office or fertility clinic, sperm is washed and concentrated so it contains as much healthy sperm as possible. The sperm is placed directly in the uterus.
Intracervical insemination (ICI): Sometimes referred to as the «turkey baster» method and is usually done at home; sperm is injected near the cervix — you can use an at-home insemination kit to get the job done (which often involves a disposable, needleless syringe, and definitely not an actual turkey baster). You can ask your doctor for kit recommendations. Though ICI is generally less expensive than IUI, IUI is usually more effective than ICI. However if ICI is done in a medical setting by a professional, costs would apply.

This process involves either asking a male friend for their fresh sperm, says Kowalski, or you can use frozen donor sperm from a sperm bank, which will come with a financial cost. Kali cautions people against using sperm from someone they know just so they don’t have to pay for it. While they don’t say people should never go this route, it’s smart to know what can go wrong.

At-home insemination with a known donor may introduce legal considerations that you should both talk about with a lawyer — and these will change depending on what country you’re in. For example, Kali says, it’s possible for a known sperm donor to initially not want to be involved in your child’s life and then change their mind.

LGBTQ people might run into this problem more often. In their experience, it’s common for people in queer communities to recommend donors to each other, Kali added. «As a queer person you might have a bunch of friends who have used a donor that’s somebody that they know, as a straight person you probably don’t have a bunch of friends that have used a donor that you know.»

Kowalski also recognizes the cost to create a family as a single parent can be incredibly expensive. Overall, you should keep in mind the long-term costs of raising a child, not just the cost of fertilization or adoption. In the U.S., egg donation can cost between $16,000 and $45,000 (this isn’t factoring in medical costs or multiple rounds of IVF), while adoption can be anywhere from nothing (for foster adoption) to $44,000, according to the nonprofit Creating a Family. The adoption tax credit can whittle down the cost to zero if you foster adopt.

Yes, it’s a lot, but don’t immediately rule out options. Do your research and see what’s affordable and desirable for you.

5. Find or cultivate a support system

A support system can be invaluable for any parent, but it’s essential for a single parent who doesn’t have a partner to lean on for childcare duties or emotional support.

Start early (think: while you’re pregnant, throughout the adoption process, or while undergoing IVF or similar options), especially if you need to re-cultivate a relationship with the people you reach out to. This also gives you more time to prepare them for what you need.

You can’t be afraid to ask for help and you have to be clear and specific about what you need, says Kowalski. Don’t start off the conversation with something like «Hey, would you babysit sometime?» You likely aren’t looking for an occasional babysitter but rather someone who can be there for your child more consistently.

Instead, you can say, «I’m looking to create a support system for my child. I’m wondering if you could watch my kid [insert number] times a week?» or «I know I’m going to need help, I’m not going to be able to afford to pay for a sitter all the time. What would you be able to commit to?»

There’s also the option of becoming close with another family (single parent by choice or not) who would also benefit from mutual child care support.

This strategy has been crucial for Kowalski, especially during the pandemic. She and a family who lives across the street hang out constantly, look after each other’s kids, and provide in-person social contact that has become difficult to come across throughout the pandemic. Kowalski’s pandemic pod minimizes the risks of contracting COVID-19 to both families and can help maintain each family’s mental health during the pandemic.

If you don’t have the option to form a pandemic pod, you can look into nanny shares, suggests Kowalski. Two or more families share a nanny and each chips in to pay for them. This can cut down on costs for an individual family and provide your child with socialization — the same strategy works even if you’re not a single parent, of course.

You should also consider a support group like what Mattes and Kowalski offer. It gives you access to people who know what you are going through. You can also look on the website Meetup.com to find single parents by choice groups near you or create one yourself, says Kowalski. Kali suggests searching for Facebook groups to find queer single parents by choice.

«Support is probably the most important thing [as a single parent by choice],» says Kowalski. «A lot of single parents by choice find that the people they thought were going to show up, don’t and the people they didn’t expect to show up, do.»

If you’re going to take the leap to be a single parent by choice, do your own research and find out what’s right for you. Remember, this is your choice and your future family — and most importantly, you’ve got this.

Should You Have a Baby on Your Own?

«It’s time you start having kids.» So barked a novelist of my acquaintance the moment we sat down for dinner. My uterus is none of his business, and yet, I’d just returned from a week on the beach with my little brother and his family, and all that quality time with my small nieces had made me feel something I’d never known: a craving to have a child of my own. At 40, I was late to this game.

After a brief internal debate — Am I actually going to discuss this deeply private topic with someone I barely know? — I swung the barn door wide open. I explained how growing up, I’d assumed I’d get married and have children, but as I progressed through my 20s and 30s, I never felt a desire to do either — that is, until now. Finally experiencing that famous tick-tock was unsettling, I admitted, but also a relief. Now I got what other women had been talking about. Even so, I wasn’t ready to dismiss my decades-long ambivalence. Maybe it wasn’t denial, as people say, but a genuine disinclination to be a mother, my own internal voice trying to be heard above the ear-splitting din of cultural expectation. Our entrées arrived.

«Ridiculous,» he scoffed, stabbing into his lamb shank. «Everyone wants kids. Everyone who doesn’t have them is miserable. It’s biology. What makes you think you’re so special? You absolutely must get on this, immediately.»

Inexplicably unfazed by his being a complete asshole, I pressed on, earnestly confessing my concerns about timing: My fertility was fast waning, but my relationship was still brand-new. If I were to «get on this, immediately,» as he was weirdly insisting, I’d be doing it alone.

When he volunteered to inseminate me himself, I laughed. But back home, I couldn’t sleep. All night, I cycled through my Hail Mary options — my brand-new boyfriend’s sperm, my gay male best friend’s sperm, anonymous donor sperm, adoption — and berated myself for being in this position to begin with. At dawn, I was still wide awake.

I was considering having a child by myself in part because I’d been watching other women do it — or rather, one woman in particular: Rachel Grady, the first person in my extended social circle to decide to have a child on her own. I’ve since learned that the majority of «choice moms» (the term I’ve come to prefer over the wordier «single mothers by choice») are inspired by someone they know, even if their initial reaction is «I could never do that myself.»

Grady is a film director and producer who lives near me in Brooklyn. In 2010, when we were both 37 and I heard she was pregnant from anonymous donor sperm, I felt the same awe as I had when her documentary Jesus Camp was nominated for a 2006 Oscar. If I’m a cautious, plan-making type, Grady is the sort who goes out and does something while everyone else sits around hemming and hawing. She struck me as suited to such a big leap, so unlike me. Back then, I was living off freelance journalism, my finances were a mess, and — this overrode all practical considerations — my mother died in 1996. I couldn’t imagine managing a newborn without at least a mother-in-law to provide maternal support.

After my sleepless night, I wanted to know more about Grady’s experience. Over dinner at her apartment, she explained that after she first felt the baby urge at 31, it decimated her romantic life. «I’d always dated, but then I started dating desperately, looking for someone to have a kid with,» she told me. «I got involved with guys who were incredibly wrong for me. I thought, ‘I’m behaving out of fear. If I’m not careful, I’ll get stuck with one of these losers!'»

Working through «a few serious emotional/mental hurdles» brought Grady to a major revelation: «I’ve never cared about marriage, so why am I conflating motherhood and matrimony? I have a good career, an amazing mother, great friends. I feel satisfied. I can do this myself.» The second she made the decision, she felt an enormous relief, and luckily for her, pregnancy came easy. She bought a $200 vial of sperm, scheduled an intrauterine insemination, or IUI (insurance covered both), and today, she has an adorable 4-year-old boy with an infectious laugh … as well as a boyfriend she met when she was seven months pregnant. All her practical fears — that she’d be stuck at home all the time, never travel, be unable to afford it — came true, and yet, she says, «None of it felt like an issue. I just figured it out.»

On the subway home that night, I wondered: Maybe if I got my finances in shape and made up for my own motherlessness by creating an alternate support system, I could do it too. Maybe?

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There’s yet to be a national survey that differentiates between «voluntary» and «involuntary» single motherhood, but anecdotal evidence indicates an uptick in choice moms. California Cryobank, one of the nation’s largest sperm banks, told me they’ve seen a significant growth in choice-mom clients since the early 2000s, particularly in the past five to eight years. Carole LieberWilkins, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, told me she’s counseled far more choice moms over the last decade than the previous two decades of her practice. Also revealing are surveys that track the age at which women first get pregnant. In 2014, the CDC reported that from 2007 to 2012, birth rates for single mothers over 40 surged by 29 percent.

Sociologists report that «voluntary» single mothers are generally older, mostly white, and better educated and more financially successful than «involuntary» single mothers. This certainly describes most of the 20 women I ended up speaking with by phone — among them are a doctor, two lawyers, and two corporate executives — but not all. I also spoke with several out-of-work actresses, a baker, and a singer-songwriter — which suggests to me that the profile of the choice mom is evolving as quickly as her number rises.

As was the case with Grady, voluntary doesn’t necessarily mean Plan A. All but two of the women I spoke with expected they’d start a family the traditional way. Making this life decision required an internal paradigm shift so profound, I’ve come to think of it as a new phase of human development, like adolescence or the midlife crisis — I call this one the Fairy Tale Revised.

«I used to want to get married so badly, I almost could’ve married anybody,» says Eleni Mandell, 45, the aforementioned singer-song- writer, who lives in Los Angeles. «When you want the fairy tale and you’re not getting it, you judge yourself and you feel like everyone’s judging you.» At 38, she thought she’d found the right guy, but eight months into their relationship, he told her he never wanted to have children, although if she wanted to, he’d support her. «I thought, Are you a mad man?!» she says. They broke up but never grew apart. He helped her assess online sperm donor profiles and was there in the delivery room — an emotional support, if not a financial one. Today, the single mother of 4-year-old twins, Della and Rex, Mandell can’t believe her luck. «I grieved the fairy tale . .. and came out on the other side,» she says. «I’m free. I love my life. I feel at peace. Now I would never marry just anybody.»

Among the choice moms I spoke with, Mandell’s sense of well-being is the norm. Every woman told me having a child on her own was the best decision she’d ever made, no matter how difficult her day-to-day. Indeed, they were all so upbeat that I began to wonder if solo parenting is a self-selecting endeavor: Only those who are constitutionally positive and optimistic — as well as, in Grady’s words, «strong-ass bitches» — pursue this path. Sure enough, research psychologists describe choice moms as independent and mature with high self-esteem, a well-developed capacity to tolerate frustration, and stable family backgrounds (with the caveat that such families are often «complicated» or «nontraditional»).

Of course, people who respond to a journalist’s requests for interviews are a self-selecting group, invested in presenting a good self-image. Yet, I’ve come to think that Sasha, 41, a divorced writer and English teacher in Los Angeles, nailed it when she observed that it’s how a woman comes to single motherhood that shapes her experience. Last year, after Sasha (who requested that I not use her last name) got pregnant on her first IUI cycle with donor sperm, she started speaking with single mothers in general and «noticed a huge difference in how people talked,» she says. «Women whose husbands had bailed on them portrayed being a single mom as very difficult, while those who had chosen it portrayed it as wonderful. I began to see that it’s a matter of expectations, which allayed my fears.»

The most obvious challenge unique to raising a child solo is being singularly responsible for a small, helpless creature even when you’re at your weakest. «When I’m really sick and he’s really sick, that’s the hardest thing ever,» says Andrea Graham, 41, who works at a medical journal in Boston and shares her loft-style (as in, no separate rooms) apartment with her nearly 2-year-old son, Asher. «My enterprise is fragile. If something changes — my job, day care, my apartment — we’ll be in a tough situation.» Or in the words of Aileen Budow, 46, a communications executive who lives with her 3-year-old son, Greyson, in Manhattan, «You are your child’s everything — in good times and in bad. While some might find it overwhelming, for me, it works.» And if something happens to her? Experts urge choice moms to secure legal guardianship as early as possible, no matter how painful it is to think about. Budow says that asking her childhood best friend and her husband to assume the role was «filled with emotions, more than I expected, lots of tears for the honor of it, and the reality of the decision.»

Across the board, the biggest hardship is money — even before the baby comes. Given the range of factors that determine a woman’s ability to conceive, there’s no way to plan for how much medical assistance she’ll need or how much it will cost. (Of the choice moms I spoke with, only two got accidentally knocked up.) For every woman who was artificially inseminated quickly and cheaply, there’s another who had to borrow money to fund what can turn into a head-spinningly escalating process.

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Once the child arrives, even the predictable expenses — diapers, babysitters — can take any parent by surprise. Sandy (who asked not to use her last name), 34, a quality representative at a machine shop in rural Louisiana, who paid about $40,000 out-of-pocket to conceive, prides herself on «budgeting to the ground,» as she puts it. «God forbid if you or the baby have medical problems. You really need a nest egg, an emergency fund. Day care is, excuse my French, hella expensive.

All the women I interviewed have small children. Rebellious or curious teenagers present all-new issues for choice moms, says LieberWilkins: «Adolescence is a time of identity formation. If a child was conceived through anonymous donor sperm, there is going to be a missing piece that can create an additional layer of wondering in answering the age-old question, who am I?»

Then there’s that other most-important consideration, if not the most: a support system. Several choice moms described how the friends who were so available when they were all single together ended up disappearing as soon as the baby appeared. Darbi Howard, 47, the director of operations at a mental-health nonprofit in Oakland, California, bypassed this risk by actively building an all-new support system in her late 30s, before she even started the process of foster adoption. «I set the groundwork for the kind of life I needed. I cleaned house and got rid of ‘bad friends,’ quit smoking, did more volunteer work, reconnected with my parents,» she says. By age 40, when she went to pick up her daughter, Charli, at the hospital the day she was born, she had everything in place. (Four years later, she foster-adopted Charli’s newborn brother, Justice.)

To my surprise, although a few choice moms mentioned the occasional loneliness of not being able to discuss her kid with someone who shares the connection, all rhapsodized over the benefits of not having an official co-parent. These include no disagreements about parenting styles, no getting irritated when someone isn’t doing their fair share of housework, and nobody to question your choices. That said, most remain on the dating spectrum: not dating yet but hoping to start, actively getting themselves out there, or negotiating a live-in relationship.

Again and again, the women I spoke with described how they’d wanted to be a mother for as long as they could remember and how the urge to get there became so overpowering, it felt less like a rational decision than a compulsion. This conviction — that no matter what, they would have a child — is, I’ve concluded, the most fundamental common denominator uniting all choice moms.

Which brings us back to my long, dark night of the soul. Probably because I’ve always been curious about adoption, when I interviewed Stephanie Schroeder, 51, who adopted her daughter, Grace, seven years ago, I confessed that my inquiry into choice motherhood wasn’t merely journalistic but also personal: Is this something I could do as well? Schroeder is a lawyer and today holds an executive position at a big entertainment company in Los Angeles. She described how she did extensive research before she made her decision, looking into both foster and domestic adoption and six different international agencies, but all along she had Ethiopia in the back of her mind, which is the country she ended up choosing. «Ethiopia was an emotional choice, then I did the groundwork and found plenty of objective reasons to support it. But on some level, I’d always known that was where I’d adopt from. I can’t explain why. It was as if I had this mystical sense that that’s where my kid was.»

I teared up when she told me this, in part because it’s romantic but also because I understood so well what she meant. No matter how much critical thinking I apply to a decision, I always go where my emotions lead me — and wavering, as I’ve been doing for quite a while now, is, in my case at least, usually a form of saying «no.» Schroeder was clear on this front: «If you’re still on the fence, you’re not ready. You only should do it when you’re in a state of mind where you’re not making a decision anymore. » She added, «You have to want it so badly, you can’t stop yourself.» Mandell unknowingly echoed the sentiment when she told me, «I often equate being a single mother by choice with being a musician. Just like I couldn’t not be a musician, I couldn’t not have children.»

I feel the same way about writing, living in New York, and certain people in my life — but not about having children.

Possibly, deciding not to have a child is, on an individual/emotional level, as significant as deciding to have one. After reading about New York psychotherapist Jeanne Safer’s idea of the «affirmative no» — the refusal to pursue a course of action that is not right for you — I called her to learn more.

Now in her 60s, Safer has been married for nearly four decades — and it took her five years, and a lot of anguish, to decide not to have a child. «I made lists, pro and con, did everything logical I could do. Eventually, I realized: I don’t really want to do this, I want to want to do this. That was the turning point. It opened up a whole world of what I was supposed to be and what I really was.»

I told her about my tumultuous night of the soul two years ago and asked for her armchair opinion. The first thing she said was, «I’m interested that it hasn’t happened again. If that night really stirred up something that needed to come out, you’d be having dreams about it. You’d make love thinking about getting pregnant as a joyous thing.»

I still don’t know which way I’m leaning on the child question. To complicate matters, after finishing my reporting, I received a medical diagnosis that compromises my ability to become biologically pregnant (without major reproductive-technology assistance). But the more I feel and think my way through the matter, the calmer I become. I’m taking on faith Safer’s words: «We grow into our lives. We make decisions that lead to other decisions. All you can do is say: this is who I am now.»

Kate Bolick is a contributing editor at The Atlantic and author of the book Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own.

This article was originally published as «Should You Have a Baby on Your Own?» in the June 2015 issue of Cosmopolitan. Click here to get the issue in the iTunes store!

How to conceive and give birth to a child if you are alone?

Clever, successful, financially independent and lonely — you won’t surprise anyone with such a set of characteristics now. But what to do if you are ready to become a mother, but you don’t have a husband or a partner whom you would like to see as the father of the unborn baby? Fortunately, now this is no longer an obstacle to motherhood. We asked a reproductive gynecologist if you can become a mother being alone.

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Motherhood

Expert advice

Surrogacy

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Egg freezing

Yulia Ruslanovna Tsoraeva

gynecologist-reproductologist of the network of reproduction and genetics centers «Nova Clinic»

Do not self-medicate! In our articles, we collect the latest scientific data and the opinions of authoritative health experts. But remember: only a doctor can diagnose and prescribe treatment.

Assisted reproductive technologies (ART) are used not only for the treatment of infertility. If a single woman wants to give birth to a child, the doctor of the reproductive center recommends the use of donor sperm, egg freezing or surrogacy (if indicated). Let’s talk more about these options.

Donor programs

Donor sperm always has a high fertility. Actually, this is the main requirement for genetic material. Thus, the chances of pregnancy increase.

Naturally, you would like to know more about potential candidates. Of course, no one will show you the photo, since the donation of germ cells is anonymous. But to find out about nationality, age, external data, height, weight, education and profession — please. Some donor banks give you the opportunity to look at an infant photo of the donor.

What is important, all donors undergo a mandatory medical examination, so you don’t have to worry that they can pass on some dangerous diseases to the child. In order to definitely exclude the presence of infections such as hepatitis B and C, syphilis and HIV, cryopreserved (frozen) sperm are kept in quarantine for 6 months. After that, the donor retakes the tests. If everything is in order, the genetic material can be used in the ART cycle.

Insemination with donor sperm

Intrauterine insemination is the closest method to natural conception. Its essence lies in the fact that the doctor, using a special catheter, places the male genetic material directly into the uterine cavity. After that, the spermatozoa must act independently: get through the fallopian tubes to the egg, which is moving towards it, and fertilize it.

IVF with donor sperm

IVF involves the fertilization of a woman’s eggs outside her body.

The program can be carried out in both natural and stimulated cycles. In the second case, doctors with the help of hormonal drugs initiate the maturation of several (and not one, as is usually the case) eggs at once. As a result, the chances of pregnancy increase significantly.

After ovarian stimulation, follicle puncture is performed, during which doctors receive oocytes. They are then fertilized with the donor’s sperm and the results are evaluated 24 hours later. The resulting embryos are grown for several days in special incubators, where optimal conditions are created (almost the same as in a woman’s fallopian tubes), and then one or two of them are transferred into the patient’s uterine cavity.

A logical question arises: what happens to the rest of the embryos? They can be frozen using a modern vitrification method, and then used in a new IVF cycle. At ultra-low temperatures, embryos can be stored for many years without losing their original quality.

Surrogacy

This procedure gives a chance to become mothers to women who are not able to carry and give birth to a child on their own (for example, if they have no uterus or have serious diseases).

In addition, surrogacy may be recommended if several IVF programs fail even though the embryos were of good quality.

The procedure involves the transfer of embryos resulting from the fertilization of a woman’s eggs with a donor’s sperm to a surrogate mother, who bears a child who is not genetically related to her. After the baby is born, it is handed over to the biological mother.

Freezing

If you are still not ready to have a baby right now, then modern medicine allows you to freeze eggs at a reproductive age (up to 35 years) and use them when you meet someone with whom you would like to raise a child, or when you will understand that you want to give birth for yourself.

“When are we going to give birth?”: monologues of women over 30 who do not have children independence.

Isabella

translator, 32 years old

I’m not childfree, I just don’t want kids. Childfree is something from the era of LiveJournal communities, where they discuss «vile, small, screaming subhumans.» I personally have nothing against children — I just don’t need them. The great folklorist Propp noted that many fairy tales begin with the fact that the hero discovers some kind of shortage — either he wants to get a magic horse, or his bride is kidnapped — and from that moment the plot unfolds. So in my life there is no shortage due to the absence of children.

I understand and feel very well how you can be friends with people in different ways and how different love relationships can be. But I don’t understand why I need children. I don’t need unconditional love from someone who depends on me. That’s why I don’t like dogs either and prefer more independent cats.

By the way, my husband, independently of me, even before we met, explained to his relatives that he did not want children. It was a huge relief to know that neither of us wanted children.

I managed to explain to my mother that it was useless to talk to me about this topic. Although still, sometimes some hints break through. For example, I have now moved to Israel and suggested that she do the same. To this she answered me: “Well, what should I do in Israel? Unless you sit with your grandson.” And she received in response: “No, mom. You can, if you want, just move to Israel. Or, if you like, have some kind of grandson of your own — but I have nothing to do with it.

I constantly have to kick back on this topic from different people. After I got married, my boss at work brought me some candy. I say: «Oh, no, what a sweetie — the ass will grow.» And he told me: “What are you, you feed the baby!” “What baby?!” — «So you got married, so you’re pregnant?»

I live abroad and when I come to Moscow, I meet my neighbors in the elevator — it immediately begins: “Well, did you get married? Haven’t you given birth yet?» Some people from the past, like school teachers who happened to meet on the street, are interested in whether I finally have children. I myself think to myself that I am a great translator — and rather, this defines me. But what I do and who I work, none of these people are interested. And, of course, gynecologists. If you are about thirty, the first question at the gynecologist’s appointment is: “When are we going to give birth?” I usually say: «Yes, we’re not going to.» “But then it will be too late!” Okay, I understand that it will be late, but I’m just not going guys.

Personally, I think abortion is wonderful. A woman should have a choice whether to radically change her life for the sake of some unknown person or not to do this

There is such a theory that it is useful for a woman to give birth. It goes back to the ideas of ancient medicine that being a woman is, in principle, painful. And the only time a woman is in the right and healthy position is when she is busy with childbearing. Hence all these ideas about «womb rabies» and that if the female body is not busy with childbearing, it is spoiled.

At the same time, as far as I know, abortion is less stressful for the body than pregnancy and childbirth. Pregnancy and childbirth is a monstrously difficult and destructive period when blood vessels, teeth, spine suffer, tissues stretch, hair comes out. Therefore, what benefits of childbirth can we talk about? This is such a funny logical loop: you are told from all sides that something terribly harmful affects you positively. It’s just that society has no other way to reproduce itself. Children are natural not for you as an individual, but for a social organism, for a hive. It’s like Tolstoy’s — there is the main Natasha Rostova, who gives birth non-stop. And there is her cousin Sonya, whom he calls an empty flower. And for Tolstoy Sonya there is almost none — she did not fulfill her main function.

Society tries to deprive a person of the right to choose, because the woman herself is not as important as her function. And this is especially true for Russia, where many government officials and churches are promoting a ban on abortion.

I personally think that abortion is wonderful. A woman should have a choice whether to radically change her life for the sake of some unknown person or not to do it. And the psychological severity of this experience for many women is connected precisely with the fact that society considers it unacceptable. After all, to kill a few cells is, in fact, to squeeze a pimple. But here a separate unresolved question arises when these cells begin to be considered a person.

It’s funny that at any age, when you say that you don’t want children, they always answer you: «Wait, when you turn 18 (20, 25, 30…), you’ll sing differently.» Now we are waiting for 35, otherwise it’s all the same. Of course, I have no certainty that one day my instinct won’t hit me in the head and I won’t want a child. Hormones are a strange thing, and we all know how you can tear a person to shreds during PMS without having anything personal against him at all. But if that moment comes and I want children, I would rather adopt someone. There are a lot of children without parents — it is logical to first distribute them all among families, and then give birth to new ones. Why produce more if there is an overabundance of what is not arranged? In general, as Andrei Bely said about his heroes Ableukhovs: in them «logic was finally developed to the detriment of the psyche.»

Some of my friends say that when they see a baby, they want to kiss and squeeze it, to hold this warm little body in their arms — I don’t even understand what it is about. It is already more interesting with children from the age of five: they can be told all sorts of stories, go to a museum, show the ancient Greeks or Egyptians. But I also get tired of them very quickly. Already after five hours with a friendly child — even the most interesting and cool — I am exhausted. And if you imagine that he still doesn’t speak, but just constantly tries to crawl into some dangerous place, I’ll definitely go very quickly like a cuckoo.

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«What I did while you were having children»: a wild memoir of a famous TV scriptwriter

«What I was doing while you were having children»: a wild memoir of a famous TV scriptwriter request of the heroine)

marketing director, 38 years old

I will be 39 years old this year, and I have no family — no children, no loved one. And this is connected with the fact that for two years now I have been living in exile in France.

I was born in the province. Dad was a scientist, mom was a journalist. When I was 21, my father died, and my mother’s salary was not enough for three children. Just then, perestroika began, and we lived very poorly. We were forced to work in the fields, collect some kind of bow, sell it — a humiliating and hard life. Since then, I have had a fear of the family, which for me was associated with suffering. I saw how my mother suffered, trying to feed us. I had to turn on survival mode, and money became more important to me than creating a family. I worked day and night to feed myself.

As a result, I have achieved a lot: in Russia, in recent years, I have held positions of marketing directors in large international retail chains. But it didn’t work out with the family. Of course, I had loves and cupids in my life, but I was afraid of obligations, it always seemed to me that obligations meant life in a dirty cage and non-stop washing dishes in a stained apron. Such a wild picture was before my eyes.

When I had a lot of money, after thirty, I wanted intimacy and permanent relationships, without children yet, but then another problem arose. My demands on men have become insane. I was looking for men of exceptionally high social status, I met only with the rich. And for such people, money, work, freedom come first. Yes, and almost everyone already had families and children (or they were convinced bachelors). I chose my own kind — but it was impossible to build a family with them. Or maybe I myself was already somehow different: apparently, it’s cool to have sex with me, chat, relax, but not have me as a wife and as the mother of your children. I am very independent, but when I fall in love, I become dependent and weak. And the men who pecked at me as a tough businesswoman were disappointed when they saw me vulnerable. Many even said: «Oh, I thought you were completely different.»

Without a child and a husband, I felt like an absolute invalid in Russian society. Mom considered me mentally unhealthy

At some point, I realized that traveling is very cool, but they no longer give happiness and I want to share my joy with a child. This feeling turned on in me by the age of thirty-five. To be honest, I had several dozen lovers, I can’t even count them all. But all the stories had a similar scenario. Of course, for many years I went to one psychotherapist, then to another — we worked with them all my childhood. But this did not change anything — I remained the mistress of different men and never passed into the status of a beloved woman. Desperate, I went to a psychic. I was 37 years old, I told him that my only dream was to marry for love. The next day, I was fired from my job with a bang due to some undercover intrigue. And a day later I decided to leave for France. I went to study for a second MBA in one of the prestigious French schools and now got a job in a senior position in the marketing of a large international company.

Without a child and a husband, I felt like an absolute invalid in Russian society. Mom thought I was mentally ill. Despite the fact that I have a very good education, I am a high-class professional, I bought myself an apartment in Moscow, I have wonderful friends, I travel a lot — and yet my mother treated me like a mentally ill person. All my achievements were leveled by the fact that I did not have a husband and children. At work, my loneliness was perceived as a disadvantage — I am such a loser, all alone. So I know what the pity of others is, which just kills you.

I thought that people would be different in France, that people would get married here later, and I would succeed. But this is not so. Normal people here also get married early and have three children, the French have very strong family values. In France, at the interview, the first question is how many children do you have and what school do you take them to. In the company where I work, people are shocked that I am without a husband and without children. They can hardly contain their surprise, and it immediately turns out that we have nothing more to talk about. In the evening, everyone goes somewhere with their families — and I am left alone. And I know that they say about me behind my back: «Here is the poor, unfortunate, without children, and already under forty.» Although how many unhappy families we all know! The fact that you are family does not mean that you have achieved something and that you are happy.

Once there was a funny situation. I took Skype lessons with my yoga teacher. During shavasana — when I was just lying and relaxing — she, thinking that she had turned off the microphone, began to discuss me with her friend. But the microphone remained on, and I heard everything: “Can you imagine, she is already thirty-eight, and she has nothing! There is money, work — but no man, no child! And so she will be alone.” I appeared in such a deplorable state that it was simply ridiculous. I told her afterwards that I had heard everything, but did not agree with everything.

Being a foster parent is a very difficult experience for which I am not prepared. I don’t agree with IVF either. I went to the gynecologist, got checked — I’m fertile, and everything should be fine. I try to keep myself positive. But if I can’t give birth on my own, I’d rather be a wonderful stepmother for my man’s children or a wonderful loving aunt to my nephews.

We all have a different base. Some had family support, and in order to survive, I had to either fuck rich men or work like an ox — I chose the latter. And this does not mean that I am some kind of cold, heartless. I have five nieces whom I love very much and take care of.

I had to sacrifice a lot by moving to another country. The standard of living and wages are lower here. I decided that if I meet my beloved man in France, I will stay, if not, I will think about returning. I really want to meet a man who will take care of me. But I’m already starting to tell myself that going back to Russia is not a failure.

Natalya (name changed at the request of the heroine)

photographer, 38 years old

Recently, I often ask myself the question: how did it happen that I am 38 years old and I have no children? Apparently, I need to admit to myself: I don’t want them, that’s why they don’t exist.

I always assumed that I would have children, but I need to properly prepare for this. First, according to my plan, it was necessary to make a career, solve material issues. I worked as a lawyer, dealt with real estate. I had a task to achieve financial independence — to earn money for an apartment in Moscow, for a car and trips, and invest the money so that it would allow me not to work much anymore. As soon as everything worked out, it was like my battery ran out: my job became disgusting to me, I quit. At that time, I already had a beloved husband, money — it would seem, go have children. But I decided that first I need to realize myself creatively, and then take care of the children. And I went to study photography. Five more years have passed since then.

I am like a rocket: I am physically absolutely ready to give birth. But, to be honest, I don’t have a strong desire

I understood that my biological possibilities are not infinite. And at some point I decided: okay, it’s time, it’s time, but you need to prepare your body for this. I didn’t have any serious illnesses. We used contraception, but in such grandma’s ways — we counted the days. My younger sister gave birth to three children using this method of protection. And I have nothing. I decided to check with the doctors just in case. Examine — so to the fullest. I started with the teeth, I have been doing them for a year and a half. Then I got to a specialist in functional medicine — they consider the body as a whole. I cured my eternal allergy, took up nutrition, cleansed my body, found my weak points — no one wants to grow old. And, of course, I went to the gynecologist, solved some small problems. So now I’m like a rocket: physically absolutely ready to give birth. But, to be honest, I don’t have a strong desire.

Everyone around me is getting pregnant, and of course the herd mentality is working in me. I think: what about me? Yes, and many hint. I remember once I was returning from a corporate party with a colleague who lived in the next house. We were chatting about something, and suddenly, for no reason at all, he says to me: “I don’t understand, why don’t you give birth?” And he looked at me as if I were some kind of miserable person. Then it occurred to me that perhaps many people look askance at me, they think that something is wrong with my health or with my head.

Maybe my maternal instinct is blocked? Or some childhood fears played a role? I decided not to go deep into it, otherwise I’ll be stuck with a psychologist for another ten years and come to my senses by the age of fifty. I don’t want children, but I know what I need. I like children, I adore my nephews. I don’t see myself childless in my old age. I probably won’t understand what it means to be a mother until I try. I know that this is a completely rational construction. But I decided: I just need to do it — and everything will fall into place.

So my husband and I are trying to give birth, although subconsciously I still try to delay it. For example, my friend’s birthday is coming soon. And now I think that if I already get pregnant, then it will be impossible to drink, and in the summer it is so nice. Well, I won’t grow old until autumn so that it will be too late?

that’s it, it’s the end, I can’t take it anymore.

” Having a baby is a test for women in Russia. How do they find strength?: Russia: Lenta.ru

Pregnancy and childbirth are almost always associated with fear, especially when it happens for the first time. Many Russian women understand that everything is easy and simple only in fairy tales and on Instagram. Photographer Yulia Skorobogatova, a mother of two, recalled her fears about pregnancy, childbirth, parenting and her own health and tried to understand what other Russian women think about it. Their stories are in a photo project about birth and motherhood.

“When you can’t really go to the toilet, the autopilot program turns on”

Ekaterina, 33, mother of two-year-old Masha :

At work, I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case… The first strip starts to turn bright red from the very first second. As always. And here the second one appears slowly and a little bashfully. I don’t believe my eyes. “Maybe it will disappear? Maybe a mistake? Spoiled? Thoughts are running in circles, my head is buzzing. Five minutes later I look — two clear stripes. It didn’t seem.

I take out the second test. I read the instructions letter by letter, I do it with the accuracy of a surgeon. I timed it — exactly three minutes. Again two obvious stripes. I walk into the office on stiff legs. “You have to tell your husband. But how?»

Katya. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

My stormy, cheerful, but at the same time calm life flashed before my eyes, that bottle of wine I drank the day before with my sister, that cigarette for company. God, how could I! God, I’m so young, stupid, how can I give anything to my child! Phobia number one is what now to give birth, how the child can get out of me.

The next day I was happy that I would be a mother. I really wanted to be ready for the birth of a child, I read a ton of books, talked with a bunch of familiar and little-known mothers, but it’s impossible to be ready for this. Theory and practice are «two big differences», it’s like reading in a book how to skydive and actually skydiving. But in general, all this information helped me calm down, the positive experience of my mothers helped a lot — it gave me strength, hope, optimism. You don’t have to close your eyes to the negative, you need to know about it, but think and set yourself up for the positive.

Katya. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

The last time I had a manicure was during my pregnancy. I don’t belong to myself. I have gained 10 kilos already. My friends asked me: “When will you come back to normal?” What does normal form mean? My body just gave birth to another body, why should I pretend that nothing happened?

I still have doubts whether I am a good mother. Remembering your childhood, you do not want to be a toxic parent in relation to your child. It’s easy to be a conscious parent when you’ve had enough sleep, when you’re full, when you’re happy with yourself, when you have a husband, a nanny, a spa. And when you can’t really go to the toilet, the autopilot program, which is laid down by our parents, turns on, and it is not always correct. I would advise you to work with a psychologist during pregnancy, take care of your spine, it will come in handy later. Only a resourceful mother can give something to her child.

And understand that only imaginary children always obey, never cry, never watch cartoons, sleep well and eat well.

Everyone thinks that a mother should turn into a superhuman, become a model of mental balance: stop swearing, think only about high things, but at the same time it is desirable not to leave the playground anywhere. They told me: “Why are you on the phone? You have a child jumping in a puddle. Well, he’s jumping. I’ve grown up, I don’t jump anymore. And this is a child.

The birth of a child is like conquering Everest. People are fine without it. But those who conquered live in a completely different way. I have become much stronger. Sometimes you sit and think: «That’s it, the end, I can’t take it anymore.» And then you take it and do it.

“Relations with her husband were already cracking at the seams, the family was falling apart”

Elena, 39, mother of Masha (13 years old), Dasha (11 years old), Ivan (8 years old), Lyubasha (3 years old) and Sasha ( 11 months):

With the advent of a child, life changes, and changes are always scary. But this is also an impulse for development — to acquire new skills, learn to do several things at once, sleep anywhere, close your eyes to the mess …

With my first daughter Masha, I knew that I was pregnant, even before the test — I felt the moment conception, so the test was just a formality, I was very happy. It was a long-awaited child.

Lena. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

We didn’t expect our second daughter Dasha so soon. The reaction was surprise, surprise, confusion, maybe there was a little fear.

The third pregnancy is a miracle. Relations with my husband were already bursting at the seams, the family was collapsing, I, of course, dreamed of a son, but it seemed unrealizable, although I prayed and observed serious austerities. And when I saw the test, I couldn’t even believe it. My husband insisted on an abortion, but I had no doubts for a second: only great joy, confidence that I could handle it, and gratitude.

Several years have passed, a divorce, a new meeting, unearthly love. I really wanted to give birth to a daughter, and it so happened that Lyubasha came to us. It was scary to tell the man, because he did not want joint children. There was a fear of losing a loved one, a fear of losing financial support from an ex-husband.

Lena. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

And now the last, fifth pregnancy is, one might say, just a big surprise from God, in spite of everything and in spite of everything. Although I was in shock, complete confusion, fear of losing everything. A little later, when I told my man, the situation was aggravated by the complete lack of support, he did not want to, he was afraid for me, it was a time when it was dark, dark … Support was given only by children who were more than happy. Children are my resource, my joy, my blessing!

“A new husband appeared, an oriental handsome man, my hormones rejoiced and immediately gave me twins”

Alexandra, 30 years old, mother of two-year-old Sebastian and Xavier and three-month-old Felix:

I was infinitely happy when I saw two stripes on the test , it was a very long-awaited pregnancy. In a previous marriage, we had no children, and I was already desperate. And then a new husband appeared, an oriental handsome man, my hormones rejoiced and immediately gave me twins.

Emotions are only boundless happiness. And the background shock, what happened after all. There was only one fear — I wanted to quickly get to the ultrasound and make sure that the fetus was in the uterus. Friends had horrific stories with ectopic pregnancies, I was scared.

Sasha. Photo: Yulia Skorobogatova

Fears appeared when I found out during an ultrasound that I was expecting twins. I thought I could handle it. My sister and I are from a large friendly family. Parents taught us that children are good and right. Since childhood, I loved kids, I love my nephews very much, I have three of them, I help them a lot.

I expected that I would happily flutter like a butterfly all the way to the maternity hospital, but in the end I got symphysitis, pain, and the inability to turn around at night and start walking in the morning. But, as it turned out, immediately after the birth, all this is quickly forgotten and an incredible cheerfulness appears, which prompted me to become pregnant again.

My husband and I try to plan our work schedules so that we can replace each other. Our relationship after the birth of children became only stronger. The husband began to run home from work even faster.

Sasha. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

I love my job and don’t understand how you can deprive yourself of this wonderful part of life. Nobody needs the sacrifice of settling down at home with children and turning into a “dirty bunch”, and children will never appreciate it.

“How can one go against the whole family?”

Olga, 35 years old, mother of Xenia (15 years old), Nikita (7 years old) and Petya (1.5 years old):

When I saw a positive pregnancy test, I got scared. Wasn’t ready for this. Things just went uphill, I graduated from yoga instructor courses, started teaching classes, went to India . .. and I will have to finish all this for an indefinite time. I was scared what my husband would say. If he is also not ready for this, then what should I do, how can I go against the whole family alone? I assumed that only the youngest son would be happy. Grandmother is already elderly, it’s hard for her to help me with the children, and we all live together, and she wants peace.

There was a quiet joy before talking to my husband, but I couldn’t allow myself to feel it fully until we discussed everything.

Olya. Photo: Yuliya Skorobogatova

Already great and cloudless happiness from the upcoming motherhood came after. I saw how happy my husband was that he was ready to become a father again, and this gave me determination that we would overcome all obstacles, including financial ones.

I have had three perfect pregnancies and good deliveries, and the children are all hyperactive and characteristic. There are ideal pictures of sleeping chubby little ones in my head, and every time I’m in the mood that this one will be sure to be calm. But no. Each child teaches me acceptance differently.

There were and still are fears of how to fit everyone together in one apartment. How to earn money to buy a home to give at least something to grown children. Will we be able to pay for education? I look for resources in my personal time, I try to wake up a little earlier in order to tune in to the day, gather my thoughts, do yoga, this also gives support. My resource is my activity. Even if now I can’t conduct classes, I write texts about yoga, I plan the future. My career is not going at the pace I would like it to be. This is a little sad, but there is an understanding that this is temporary and soon there will be more personal time.

Olya. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

I believe that children do not just come to us, they teach us. What we don’t know or don’t want to know. Of course, giving birth to a child is not easy, and raising a child is even more difficult. But if there is even a drop of desire to become a mother, then you have to give birth. Then you will not be able to forgive yourself for not taking advantage of this chance.

“I was already pregnant for the fourth time, before that I lost babies”

Irina, 43 years old, mother of Miron (1 year old):

When I found out that I was pregnant, I had an ambivalent feeling: on the one hand, incredible joy, and on the other, fear, anxiety for a possible loss. It was difficult. This was my fourth pregnancy, before that I had lost babies.

I imagined that I would be like a crystal vase, I would enjoy the world, catch every moment, I would be constantly in contact with the baby. But it turned out that I could not get away from disturbing thoughts.

Ira. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

A day has passed — and it’s good, I got a little closer to the cherished moment, nothing happened, and thank God. Although the pregnancy itself from a physiological point of view was safe.

The paradox is that I had been preparing for the birth of a child for so long that when he was born, I suddenly realized that I had no idea how to be with him, how to be a mother. I had very conventional ideas about motherhood. Literally, I did not know how to take it to wash it. It took me a few months to get stronger in my confidence to be a mom. Now I am living motherhood the way I imagined it, hugging my son and watching his development, I feel incredible joy.

Ira. Photo: Julia Skorobogatova

The baby does not sleep well, and it is very exhausting. When he wakes up at 4:30 in the morning and it becomes clear that this awakening is final, just some kind of despair rises inside. Sometimes you even want to hit something. Pillow, for example. It’s terribly embarrassing. I want to yell, find out the relationship with this child who does not want to sleep. In a sharp form, explain to him that he is wrong. At times like these, nothing makes you happy. I understand that these things are passing, and just in contrast, I experience incredible, such sincere love, which is simply added every day, every week.

Is it possible to have a child “for myself”? – Orthodox magazine “Foma”

Approximate reading time: 8 min.

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Our section “Questions to a Priest” often receives questions from girls and women regarding a failed life, in the opinion of readers. And more and more often the question is asked about the possibility of brightening up your loneliness with the birth of a child.

Hello! I would like to ask a very personal question. For a long time I live all alone, I didn’t have a relationship, I couldn’t start a family. And time goes by, my biological clock passes, the time is running out when I could not only start a family, but most importantly, give birth to children. If I failed to create a family, then can I at least give birth to a child for myself? It seems to me that this will fill my life, I will have a person whom I will take care of. And over time, in my old age, someone will be with me, and I will not be so lonely and dreary.

“For yourself” or “for a child”?

Answered by Konstantin Olkhovoi, psychiatrist, psychotherapist:

I will say right away that the problem is in the very wording of the question, namely in your words “to give birth for yourself”. There are several aspects to this problem that are important to understand.

The first is a «psychological ambush», which consists in an immoral message: by all means get the toy .

Second aspect . Children in our lives are a temporary phenomenon. They come to us, and then leave us to create their families, build their lives. Our task is to be able to let them go.

Your wording «a child for yourself» is false.

Sooner or later the child will go into his life. And if this does not happen, there will be grief and tragedy for each of you. The biggest danger is treating your child as property. Understand, a child is not a thing, it is a subject, it is a living soul with its own life.

And about «a glass of water in old age» — this is not about a physical action, but about someone who will serve me emotionally. This means that the child is initially viewed as an emotional slave, and not as an independent person. It is the power of the master over the slave.

If you follow this logic, it turns out that anything is forbidden to a child, he is for his mother, he is an object! In this case, the child is deprived not only of the right to life, but even to death. Imagine that a child dreams of becoming a test pilot, and his mother says: “I didn’t raise you for this, so that you would suffer during tests!”

The third aspect in this question is the global myth about children’s debt to their parents. What a child has received from an adult, he, being an adult, cannot give to an adult. The only way to repay your parents is to give what you can to your child. Transmission in the generation chain only goes in one direction. That is, our children give their debts to our grandchildren. Everything else is a lie and an illusion that leads to disastrous results. Of course, this can happen in any family, and not only when the woman is alone.

So what to do? First of all, you need to honestly answer yourself the questions: what do I mean by the words «child», «family»?

What do I need specifically? “I want someone to be with me, I want to brighten up my loneliness” or “I want a child for the sake of a child, and does it matter whether to give birth or adopt?

I want another person to appear, to whom I can give something, which he will then carry into the world and pass on”?

It is important to understand that the very idea of giving birth for oneself is an attempt to solve one’s inner problem in an external way. It turns out such a naive children’s locus of control, that is, the desire to attribute one’s successes or failures only to external factors: I give birth to a child for myself, and my whole life will change. As practice shows, it will not change. Most often, with the birth of a child, deep unresolved problems only get worse. And as a result, the woman builds an unhealthy relationship with her child. Of course, there are exceptions, but very rarely.

The main thing you need to clearly understand is that «I want to give birth for myself» is a false mythical idea that cannot be a solution to problems. In the wording of your question, namely in the words “for yourself”, there is a serious problem that requires long, careful work, preferably with a psychotherapist or psychologist

It is very possible that as a result of inner work certain decisions will be made, life will change, maybe , a family will appear, or maybe, on the contrary, a realization will come: I want to take care of someone, but a family is not needed. Then you can go to the social sphere or volunteer.

And another very important point, which I will speak about not only as a psychotherapist, but also as a Christian.

When we ask God for something, we often forget that action is also expected of us.

Of course, it is important to ask God for help, but it is equally important to develop the ability to see this help and accept it, the ability to act, and not wait.

Unfortunately, little is said today about the mental and spiritual work of a person on oneself, and it does not come down only to fasting and prayer. Our main task here is to grow our soul and direct it towards God.

Out of wedlock

Answered by Archpriest Fyodor Borodin, Rector of the Moscow Church of Saints Cosmas and Damian on Maroseyka:

a person who is not your husband.

And this grave sin will excommunicate you from Communion, that is, from the Church, for quite a long time.

There is not a single good deed that would be accomplished and accomplished through serious sin. Understand that the river of your child’s life will flow from this infected source, it is unlikely that you will be consoled and rejoice when this person grows up. Therefore, I would not advise you to choose this path.

A Christian girl cannot go the way to starting a family that unfortunately the average young woman often goes today when bodily relationships are first assumed. Marriage, which is sometimes created after such a relationship, often breaks up.

Therefore, marriage itself is not a source of happiness — it can become a source of happiness when a person lives in it correctly.

And if the Lord arranged your life in such a way that you were left alone, you must carry this cross. It’s very hard, terribly hard.

But remember the words of the Apostle Paul to the Galatians: … I do not want to boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world . And this is what the Apostle Paul says, to whom Christ repeatedly appeared, who saw paradise, saw a huge number of miracles, had the revelation of God! And he says that he has nothing to boast of before God, nothing to show Him, except for the suffering that he accepted and endured. And there was a lot of suffering in his life — he, by the way, was also lonely.

What to do in this situation? How to act to overcome loneliness?

I can advise you two ways.

Here’s the first one. If you really need a child, consider adoption. How many children dream of having a mother or parents! You can’t imagine how painful it is for them, how hard it is for them. Give happiness to a child who has been betrayed by his parents. He just needs to be warmed up, cured of this terrible injury. After all, he lives, and it seems to him that the whole world is one big betrayal. Dad and mom should be, but they are not, they live their lives somewhere and do not know that there is a little man who is ready to love them.

movie search. en

I advise you to watch a very good film «Your Children» with Alexei Serebryakov and Alena Babenko. The plot of the film just tells about the adoption of a child, there are wonderful words there: «Any child you love is yours. » Serebryakov turned out to be especially sincere and honest acting, probably his own experience helped him: he himself is raising two adopted children.

Of course, preparing for such an important step will take time and effort. You will need to take special courses on adoption, collect documents, generally feel whether you can take such an important step.

In Moscow, for example, there is a wonderful Orthodox school for foster parents at the Marfo-Mariinsky Convent. In addition to the standard program, you will be able to meet with those families who are already raising foster children, chat and consult with the priest on this issue. There are also online courses for future adoptive parents that can be completed remotely and receive all the necessary information, skills, and training. Take care of this issue, test yourself, your strength.

Just try to come to the orphanage to help, read something to the children, play with them.

Of course, it is quite difficult to cover the topic of adoption in one answer. This is a completely different, big conversation. By the way, the magazine «Foma» has repeatedly written about adoption, and you can see the already available materials on this topic on the magazine’s website.

The second way. If you understand that you do not have the strength to adopt (after all, this is a difficult path, tantamount to a feat!), then try to help those who are difficult and difficult, for example, large families or single mothers with children. Take a closer look at your parish, get to know each other, make friends, and see who really needs real, concrete help. It is very difficult for families with many children: fathers work hard for days on end, and everything falls on the shoulders of the mother. Meet, agree and come once, twice a week, help for free: cook borscht for two days, peel potatoes the next day, make minced meat, clean the house, send your mother just to sleep, relax — do a good deed.

To serve another person, other people is already a source of bliss.

There are such words in Christ that the apostle Paul says: It is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). The principle is this: if you give, you can become holy and happy. And if you take, then you cannot become happy.

And also remember the words of Christ from the Gospel of Mark: For and The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve… . Therefore, if a person is lonely and scared, and hard, then you need to find someone to serve.

Schools for foster parents:

• School for foster parents at the Martha and Mary Convent of Mercy

• Online course for future adoptive parents at the Church of St. Nicholas in Shchukin, Moscow

Not available for singles? Where to look for the meaning of life for a man without a family

The clock is not ticking. The story of a couple who is in no hurry to have children

Anastasia Anisimova

for the BBC

April 7, 2019

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The author of the photo, facebook

According to the 2002 census, the number of childless women in Russia was 5-7%. We are talking about those who, upon leaving the reproductive age, did not have children. This proportion has not changed since the first census — 1897.

However, in the 2000s, the figure began to grow. According to the estimates of the Institute of Demography of the Higher School of Economics, in the generations of women who were born in Russia after 1979 years old, this share can be 12-14%.

«It is impossible to say that the growth of this indicator is associated with infertility. It is now being treated and is often overcome. We are talking about the movement of voluntary childlessness — people who consciously decided not to have children,» says Olga Isupova, senior researcher at the HSE Institute of Demography.

According to Isupova, an increasing number of people in Russia are becoming unclear why children are needed and how to raise them, often in not the most simple economic conditions.

The topic of young people’s reluctance to have a baby has become increasingly discussed in social networks and video blogs. The couple, who decided not to have children, told the BBC what could be the reason for this decision.

Alena Koroleva

Yoga instructor , 31 year

PHOTO RECOUNAL INSTALLY OF THE DIARY INEMOLA . Grandma is still holding on and waiting.

When I was a child, I didn’t argue with my grandmother. I grew up in a paradigm where there were no other options but to become a mother in the future.

Living with autism. How I overcame the bad mother complex

«Authorities» gave a lecture to children. How a village and a school in Primorye live, thundered in the news

Measles outbreak around the world. What measures are being taken in different countries?

The author of the photo, Alena Koroleva

Photo caption,

«Children in general don’t evoke any emotions in me. I look at them and I have no interest or desire to play with them,» says Alena

I can assume that a child is a great joy when you really want it. And all the difficulties in this case probably fade into the background and do not frighten. But I don’t have that desire, at least not yet. My personal comfort and my life, which I do not want to change, are very important to me.

Children in general do not evoke any emotions in me. I look at them and I have no interest, no desire to play with them. When they are left with me, I fall into a stupor and do not know what to do with them.

Marina Travkova, family psychologist

«Give birth to a child and become a full -fledged woman — Between these phrases, there is definitely no equal sign. Unfortunately, the criminal chronicle is confirmed by : not everything is not everything women who have given birth have become full-fledged mothers and women. You can not want children, not have them and be a wonderful woman.Motherhood — this is just one of the female roles, which absolutely everyone should not necessarily want. «

I have not discussed this with many people before. comments on this video, I was surprised to see that there are many people like me.I wrote a post on Facebook and received feedback from women who are also in no hurry to have children.

Of course, I run into people , who say that “the clock is ticking.” And in general, my husband and I often have to answer tactless questions.0003

I recently got a job at a fitness center as a yoga instructor. And the administrator girl, seeing the ring, asked: «What, no children yet?»

First, why not yet? Maybe never will.

Secondly, why should I even discuss this issue with a person whom I see for the first time in my life? I understand that you love children. But I, for one, love dogs. I don’t ask: «What, haven’t you got a dog yet?»

Or we met a couple recently. They have a child, and they apparently want to find friends for him and ask everyone if anyone has children. And to our answer that we have no children, they said: «Oh, what a pity!» What is this «sorry»?

Anastasia Krasilnikova, creator of telegrams channels «Your mother!» and «The Robber’s Daughter»

«The desire to have children is a topic that for some reason concerns everyone, although this is a personal matter for each individual couple. It is believed that anyone can ask about this — from a distant relative to a recruiter and quite strangers on the streets

These tactless questions are so common in our society that they are often received by women who cannot have children and make unsuccessful attempts, often costing a lot of money and carrying great risks to the woman’s health. get questions like this when you have reproductive health issues.0474

Questions — this is the most harmless form. Often people use statements and phrases: «this is your destiny», «you must give birth», «you are a woman, children — this is such happiness.»

When Lesha and I started dating, we discussed that we wanted children. Lesha loves children, and he, unlike me, has contact with them.

When I realized that I was not ready, I had a feeling of guilt towards him. One friend even told me: «Lesha gets along so well with children, you are obliged to give birth to a child for him.»

But after our conversation with him, I realized that this is not so. He supported me. At first he asked: do you want to have children at all or right now? And then, after thinking, he answered that even if this never happens, then it’s also okay.

Aleksey Korolev

Children’s photographer, 37 years old

Photo by Alena Koroleva

It’s really very easy for me to find a common language with children. When I communicate with a child, I feel that I am communicating with something real. There are always some social masks with adults, and children are alive, real, wonderful.

Portrait photography of a child is much more fun for me than that of an adult. With adults, you ask to do something, and they immediately do it. With a child, you need to approach the task in a playful way, come up with something.

But I understand that it is one thing to love children and play with them, take pictures, and another thing is education. This is the responsibility and decision of not one person, but a family.

Anastasia Krasilnikova

The birth of a child is a terribly difficult experience and a change in life by 18 0 degrees. This is what you are completely unprepared for, precisely because you live in a paradigm where children are your main purpose and greatest happiness. Only after giving birth, you will find out what it really is, and you are completely stunned by the discrepancy between reality and your expectations.

Several times, when mothers saw me shooting with their children, they asked if you probably have children of your own. And with confidence that I am a pumped-up father, since I communicate so well with children. When I answered no, at that moment some kind of awkwardness arose every time, and from both sides.

When I talk to my friend’s wife, she periodically asks: «When are you here?» I can see directly that this is such a social pattern. You are a couple, so you must have children. And if you fall out of the template, this most often causes misunderstanding and surprise.

The author of the photo, Alena Koroleva

Photo caption,

Aleksey does not think that family life is incomplete without children in which we will all live. When Alena told me that she was not ready for the birth of a child, I asked myself the question: «Why do we need children?» — and still have not found an answer to it. I realized that the picture I was living with was not really mine. And taken from the series «so it is necessary.»

Marina Travkova

«The family is now diverse. The traditional family — mother, father and child — is one and perhaps not even the most common option, if you look at Russia. parent, as a rule , mother.The third generation is often involved in raising children.We also have children from surrogate mothers.There are childless families.

A family today is any human union where there are warm emotional relationships living together, finances, obligations and the feeling that there is us, and there is everyone else.»

As for the future, I am calm about the fact that Alena may not want children. Our life together has already shown that everything should happen in due time. And if this does not happen, then only for the better.

Philosopher David Benatar: having children is a big mistake

Irena Hernandez Velasco

BBC Mundo

29 December 2017

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Image caption,

Life is full of suffering, says David Benatar

David Benatar has been called the world’s most pessimistic philosopher because he thinks life is so terrible that it’s not worth starting.

In his book «Better Never to Have Been», Benatar develops the idea that coming into the world is a terrible bad luck.

A 51-year-old philosopher who heads the philosophy department at the University of Cape Town in South Africa believes that the best option for humanity is to stop reproducing and disappear from the face of the earth.

The BBC Spanish Service (BBC Mundo) spoke to Benatar in an attempt to understand his philosophy of anti-natalism and see if he applies these ideas to his own life.

BBC : What does the philosophical concept known as anti-natalism suggest?

David Benatar : Anti-natalism suggests that humans should not be born.

BBC : Why?

D.B. : I think there are many good reasons. One of them is that new people should not be born because of the suffering that these individuals will have to endure.

There are many arguments in support of this, one of them is that there is a lot of pain and suffering in a person’s life, so it is not good to give birth to new people.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer was one of the greatest thinkers who questioned the meaning of existence

BBC : But there are good things in life…

D.B. : Yes, that’s true, there are some good ones too. But the question is, is the good worth all the pain. It seems to me that people often forget how bad the bad things in life can be.

There is a lot of philosophical evidence that people overestimate the quality of life and think it is better than it really is.

Another common mistake is to think about the future and not realize the amount of suffering that people are likely to experience towards the end of their lives.

Think about how people die, about cancer, about infectious diseases, about infirmity… There is a lot of suffering at the end of life, and people often forget about it.

image copyrightReuters

Image caption,

Benatar believes that people experience too much suffering in their lifetime

BBC : But if you’re right and life really is that awful, a person can always end it, right? ?

D.B. : Yes, but suicide has a price you won’t pay unless you’re born. If you were not born, you never existed. You can avoid the bad things in life without paying any price for it.

Suicide may be the lesser of all evils, but it is still evil, it is something bad.

In fact, people don’t want to die. For this reason, most continue to live, despite the fact that life does not please them and is not a positive experience for them.

Another cost of suicide is the pain and suffering you inflict on others.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

«I wish I hadn’t been born,» exclaims Oedipus in Sophocles’ classic tragedy that addresses the theme of anti-natalism

BBC : But breeding with i — is e is natural. Doesn’t anti-natalism go against human nature?

D.B. : Not everything that is natural is good. Suffering from disease, for example, is perfectly natural. But people are not offered to give up medicines or operations for this reason.

Aggression is also one of the natural forms of behavior among humans and other animals, but it doesn’t seem right to us to succumb, yield in response to aggression or some other «natural» impulses.

What is natural and what is morally or ethically desirable and desirable are two different things.

BBC : T What makes abortion ethically and morally justified for you?

D. B. : Yes, of course. Anti-natalism claims that it is not good to reproduce new people, and abortion is one way to achieve this.

BBC : It’s not just humans that suffer, many animals languish. What should be done with them? Kill to save from suffering and pain?

D.B. : There is a huge difference between extermination and natural death.

Extermination is murder, and I do not support the killing of people or animals. There may be rare exceptions, some scenarios where I might think about it.

But in general I don’t support killing people or animals. But I support extinction, and one of the ways to extinction is not to give birth to new creatures.

Many animals live in freedom, they are not bred by people. But many animals are bred by man, for example, on farms where they are raised solely to kill and eat.

We bring untold suffering to these animals, and I’m all for stopping their breeding.

We can feed ourselves just fine without it.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Benatar thinks we should stop breeding animals for slaughter

BBC : But can’t we just make the world better to put him out of his misery?

D.B. : I believe that we are constantly improving this world, and that everyone living in it is obliged to do everything possible for this.

But to think that we can improve this world to such an extent that all suffering will disappear in it, that we can have children who will never feel the pain that accompanies this life — all this is an overly optimistic point of view.

But even if we could, this is a very distant future, which will come after many generations. We are talking about generations of people doomed to great pain just because they were born.

Sacrificing several generations for those who will live in the future — it seems terrible to me.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

People remember the good things better and overestimate the quality of their lives, says the philosopher

BBC : children?

D.B.: I don’t know. Many do not think about what it means to have children. They just give birth.

Approximately half of the children on the planet were not wanted.

Of course, there are people who think about it. In most of these cases, the arguments are based on self-interest: they want their genes to find their continuation, they want to experience what it is like to give birth and raise a child …

Some even present it as a kind of altruism — those who give birth to children for the community or to please their parents who dream of becoming grandparents.

But most of the time people just don’t ask themselves what it really means to have a baby.

These questions are not asked because it is such a common, such a common thing, it is taken for granted that one should have children. Very few people think about the ethical problems associated with the appearance of another person in this world.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

A person may start out in love and happiness, but may be doomed to severe suffering later in life, says Benatar

BBC : But imagine a child who has just been born, and a good life awaits him, full and happy. Wouldn’t it be immoral to deprive him of this life?

D.B. : Well, a child can be happy at times, I don’t argue with that. But when a child enters this world, not only happy moments await him.

This child will also grow old and suffer, get sick, die. We should think about his life as a whole, and not just about pleasant moments.

Now consider: children are often unhappy. Just imagine all the time when babies cry, disappointed and upset.

But even if we talk about a perfectly happy child, this may be a case of so-called «adaptive preferences» (preferences generated under limited circumstances).

Think, for example, of a group of people raised as slaves from childhood. Slaves may be content with their lives and may not mind their servitude because they were raised that way.

I would be against it even if these people were happy.

Image caption,

Slaves can be content with their lives if they’ve been brought up that way since childhood, notes the philosopher (Still from a BBC movie about slavery)0003

BBC : According to your theory, parents are responsible for the suffering of their children because they gave birth to them and gave birth to . Does this mean that they are also responsible for the suffering of their children’s children, their grandchildren’s children, and so on?

D.B. : In a way, yes, indirectly. They are not directly responsible, it can only be applied to them for the birth of their own children.

But when someone decides to breed, they must understand that they will give birth to new potential breeders.

And if someone does not think about all these generations that will follow a specific decision to give birth to offspring, you understand what a great responsibility this is connected with.

BBC : Could this idea of stop reproducing and let humanity die out someday?

D.B. : No, I don’t think so. At least not on a large scale. I think there will be individuals who decide not to breed, in fact I already know some of those people.

But I think that anti-natalism can be successful on a small scale. Even on a small scale, this is important because many will be spared suffering by not being born.

I am not naive and do not expect to convince anyone of the correctness of my ideas. But I firmly believe that this is true, and I want people to think and ask themselves what it really means to have children.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Benatar preaches against reproduction, but does not believe that his ideas will ever be realized by mankind

BBC : When did you decide to embrace the anti-natalist philosophy?

D.

Baby

Becoming a Single Mom – A Guide to Conceiving a Baby of Your Own

Going it alone: why I chose single motherhood | Parents and parenting

Single and wanting a baby? Here are your options

Sometimes there has to be a Plan B

Times are different

Going solo by choice

Donor insemination

In vitro fertilisation

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection

Egg freezing

DIY pregnancy

The freedom to choose

Scientists Are Working Out Whether You Can Have a Baby with Yourself

5 things to know if you want to become a single parent by choice

1. Don’t be put off by people’s reactions

2. Consider the ways your life will change

3. Research your options

Adoption:

Fertility tests to consider:

Egg donor process:

More infertility solutions:

Legal considerations and discrimination:

4. Take stock of your finances

5. Find or cultivate a support system

Should You Have a Baby on Your Own?

How to conceive and give birth to a child if you are alone?

Donor programs

Insemination with donor sperm

IVF with donor sperm

Surrogacy

Freezing

“When are we going to give birth?”: monologues of women over 30 who do not have children independence.

Isabella

translator, 32 years old

marketing director, 38 years old

Natalya (name changed at the request of the heroine)

photographer, 38 years old

that’s it, it’s the end, I can’t take it anymore.

“When you can’t really go to the toilet, the autopilot program turns on”

“Relations with her husband were already cracking at the seams, the family was falling apart”

“A new husband appeared, an oriental handsome man, my hormones rejoiced and immediately gave me twins”

“How can one go against the whole family?”

“I was already pregnant for the fourth time, before that I lost babies”

Is it possible to have a child “for myself”? – Orthodox magazine “Foma”

“For yourself” or “for a child”?

Out of wedlock

The clock is not ticking. The story of a couple who is in no hurry to have children

Alena Koroleva

Aleksey Korolev

Philosopher David Benatar: having children is a big mistake

By alexxlab